Megalomaniacs Anonymous
by archmagus
Summary: Magneto is having difficulty adapting to life as a good guy. So Xavier does the only thing he can: tricks him into going to a rehab clinic! Magneto tries to break back in!
1. Not Fitting In

Thanks to Spiffythefaery for providing the love and support needed to create such a wild, wacky story. And for the beta work too.

* * *

The world was safe. Apocalypse was gone and everything was back to normal.

Well, almost everything.

"Get back here you ingrates, before I rip your tongues out with my hands!"

Professor Charles Xavier glared at the man who made the comment.

"Erik, you can't threaten the children like that."

Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, known around the world as the mutant menace Magneto, frowned. "Really? How should I threaten them?"

"You can't threaten them at all!"

"Why not?"

"They are children, Erik. You have to treat them with respect."

Magneto looked at his old friend incredulously. "Now you're just not making sense."

"Erik – I know you are unaccustomed to living here but you are going to have to modify your behavior accordingly."

"Modify my behavior? I've never been so insulted in my entire life…that was an insult wasn't it?"

Xavier sighed. "No more threats."

"Logan threatens the students. You don't say anything to him about it."

"Logan won't actually harm the students."

"Are you saying that I would?"

"Wouldn't you?"

Magneto contemplated this for a moment. "I suppose I would."

"No more threats."

"I'll do my best."

* * *

"Talk to me like that again and I'll stab your face with a soldering iron!" Magneto shouted as Ray scurried away as fast as his feet would take him.

"What did I tell you about threatening the students?"

"I'm pretty sure you didn't say anything about it."

"We talked about this two minutes ago!"

"No we didn't."

"I told you not to threaten them."

"And I told you to wear a toupee. Since when have we ever listened to each other?"

"Erik I mean it. Do not threaten the students."

"Fine, fine, fine. Stop worrying about it, you don't have much hair left to loose."

* * *

Xavier looked up as the senior X-Men entered his office. He sighed deeply, this conversation was not going to go well.

"I know you all are uncomfortable with Magneto living here, but I hope that you would put your personal feelings aside. He is attempting to change. We need to give him this opportunity."

"We're all for giving him an opportunity to change – but can we make sure that he doesn't train us?"

"I would think that learning from a former adversary would be most beneficial to the team. He is, after all, an expert stagiest and a very talented field commander."

"Scott's right. Please don't let him train us!" Jean added.

"Is this feeling shared by everyone?" Xavier asked.

"Except for the Ice-Cube," Rogue drawled.

"I wish you all could get past this irrational apprehension. Magneto made some mistakes in his life but he is trying to atone for those errors in judgment. Allowing him to teach you is therapeutic for him."

"For him maybe. But we don't think it will end too well for us."

"What are you talking about Scott?"

"He's playing Whack-A-New-Mutant outside right now."

"He's what?"

"It's kinda funny actually, although he might end up hospitalizing the entire New Mutant roster in the next ten minutes."

Xavier wheeled over to the window to see that, indeed, Magneto was playing Whack-A-New-Mutant. Dozens of frying pans were hovering around the man and occasionally descending on the heads of the New Mutants who were forced to go though this exercise under the farce of being trained.

Xavier frowned as he sent out a telepathic message.

"Erik! Stop this at once!"

Out on the lawn, Magneto blinked at the mental intrusion. Turning around, he glared up at the window of the study. "Stop what?"

"This is stupid!" Roberto cried out. His comments were met with several frying pans smacking into his stomach.

"Erik! Stop hitting the students!" Xavier mentally shouted.

"Not so loud Charles, I can barely hear their screams." More frying pans shot downwards towards the moaning students.

"Erik, if you do not stop this behavior immediately, I will force you to stop!"

The pans stopped their descent and returned to hovering around Magneto's head. "You wouldn't dare!"

"If you continue to harm my students I will."

"I'm just teaching them – which is precisely what you asked me to do when I moved here."

"You can teach them without subjecting them to violence."

Magneto's response was the mental equivalence of a snort.

"Erik, I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning. Understand?'

Magneto said nothing in reply but Xavier got his general feelings on the matter when he was forced to avoid several frying pans flying his direction.

* * *

"I'm not going to buy a ticket."

"But it's for charity!"

"Kitty – pay very close attention to what I'm about to say: I DON'T CARE!"

"It's a raffle – you pay for a ticket and you can win a prize!"

"It's a school raffle – the prizes suck."

"Alright I've tried to be nice – buy a ticket or I'm cooking your dinner for a week!"

"I'll take six."

* * *

"Alright Charles, what nonsense must I endure today?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Hmm. I wake up early in the morning. I exercise, eat right. I look good. I feel good. And damn it, I'm sexy. So, nothing."

"Erik – I'm your friend. In fact, I think I am the only person alive who doesn't hate you and, as your friend, I'm telling you that you have got to get your act together!"

Magneto sighed heavily and slumped forward in his seat. "I'm sorry Charles. I know I've been a bit odd lately. It's just…just that I'm not sure how to act. If I coddled the Brotherhood or the Acolytes I would have had rebellions every half an hour."

"I know that this is difficult Erik – but you haven't been trying very hard."

"I have been trying. Like yesterday – I even bought tickets to Kitty's raffle."

"She had to threaten you to buy those tickets."

"Well…well…I managed to get through dinner without bending anyone's silverware for two days. And I happen to like Bobby and Kurt – they manage to cause more havoc than I do. I get along with them."

"You have made some progress, I admit – but not enough. I think you need some professional help."

"Absolutely not. I don't need some quack telling me how to think, how to feel, how to blow stuff up!"

"Erik – please."

"No Charles, and do not bring this topic up again!"

* * *

"How could I have possibly won?"

"Your raffle ticket was pulled out for the grand prize. So you won," Kitty said.

"And how many people bought tickets for this so-called raffle?"

"I'm not at liberty to say."

"I was the only one wasn't I?"

"Yes."

"So what did I win?"

"A free two week trip to a resort."

"Two weeks? Where is this resort?"

"It's actually pretty close. It's out by the water on the other side of town."

"And how much will this free trip cost?"

"It's free."

"And how long is this two week trip?"

"Two weeks."

"And how much does this free trip cost?"

"It's free."

"And how long is this two week trip?

"Two weeks."

"And how much is this free two week trip?" **1**

Kitty sighed and sank through the floor.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm packing."

"Where are you going?"

"I won a free two week vacation at a resort in the fancy part of town."

"Really? Congratulations."

"Thank you, Charles. Now would you hand me my helmet?"

"Why are you taking your battle uniform?"

"I'm a boy scout, Charles. Always be prepared."

"You were never a boy scout."

Magneto ignored the comment. "Will you drop me off at this resort?"

"I'd be more than happy to."

* * *

Xavier wheeled himself up to the front desk, taking in the ambience of the facility. A blonde woman was working at the counter – flashing a smile at the professor.

"How may I help you?"

"I'm here to –uh – check in a patient."

"Alright – what is the patient's name?"

"Erik Lehnsherr."

The receptionist tapped a few keys at her computer. "Okay, where is Mr. Lehnsherr?"

"He is gathering his things from the car. He – uh – doesn't know what this place is."

"Think he might run?"

"No. I'm worried that he'll fly."

"Mr. Lehnsherr is a mutant? We have special classes for mutants here."

"I'm sure he'll enjoy that."

Magneto walked up beside Xavier, his arms loaded with luggage. "Let the vacation begin!"

"Welcome Mr. Lehnsherr," the receptionist said, waving over two very large men. "These gentlemen will escort you to your room."

Magneto looked up and down at the men, concern evident over his face. "What is this place?"

"The law requires that I tell you the truth – this is the Bayville Rehab Institute. We offer rehabilitation for any physiological conditions that you might have."

"You bastard," Magneto spat at Xavier. "They'll never catch me."

Magneto turned and began to fly, but, as it turned out, Magneto was wrong. The orderlies leapt forward at incredible speed and tackled Magneto to the ground. The men grabbed Magneto by his arms and dragged him away, his legs kicking helplessly at the air.

"I'll get you for this Charles! You hear me? Revenge will be mine! Mine! HAHAHAHA! Where the hell is the metal in this building?"

Magneto was dragged around a corner, out of sight and out of shouting distance. Xavier looked up at the receptionist.

"You removed all the metal?"

"We've got a nice padded cell waiting for him."

"Very well. Good luck."

* * *

Charles wheeled himself towards his mansion, lost in thought. He had just forcibly committed his best friend to a rehab clinic against his will. Charles knew that he should be experiencing some pangs of guilt, perhaps even some sympathy.

He wasn't.

And he didn't care.

His brooding was mistaken as sorrow by his companion.

"You did the right thing, Charles. This needed to happen," Ororo said as she approached the professor's side.

Charles looked up, blinking himself out of his thoughts. "I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm concerned."

"Concerned? About what?"

"The safety of the staff at the clinic. Erik does not react well to being in situations where he has no control – one of his many lingering psychoses. There is no telling how he will react."

"You've become accustomed to worrying about teenagers, Charles. He is a grown man – and will act accordingly."

Charles chuckled softly, his lips twisting into a wry grin. "Erik will behave how he sees fit. I have never known him to act accordingly."

"You need to stop worrying about it. We still have a mansion filled with students who have their own problems."

Charles nodded as a frown crept onto his face. "One of those problems is that they are throwing a party."

"What?"

Ororo threw open the front doors to the mansion to reveal that there was indeed a party going on – and it had reached full swing.

"Please tell me I'm seeing things," Charles muttered as he looked upon the chaos. Music was thumping throughout the house – so loud that Charles had a brief mental imagine of the entire house shaking. Bobby and Kurt were literally swinging from the chandelier – throwing water balloons down on the other residents of the mansion. Hank had been tied to a chair and had a gag placed in his mouth.

"What happened here?"

"It appears that they got overzealous, but…" Charles trailed off as he looked up the stairs.

A conga line made up entirely of Jamies danced down the stairs, throwing miniature exploding fireworks while singing boisterously.

"Ding-dong the witch is dead!" The Jamies shouted.

"I imagine they are rejoicing Magneto's fate," Ororo said. "But where is Logan?"

Charles nodded in agreement. Placing his hands on his head, he performed a mental scan for his other teacher – locating him in the study.

"Logan – why haven't you stopped this?"

Logan mentally jumped at the intrusion. "Stopped what?"

"The students and their party."

"Their throwing a party? Can't Hank take care of it?"

"Not in his current situation."

There was a lengthy pause – something that rarely occurs during a mental conversation.

"Logan?"

"Sorry. I'm trying to talk with someone from that loony bin you put ol' bucket head in."

"Someone is calling from the clinic? What's wrong?"

"What do you think? He doesn't want to stay."

"What has he done?"

"I'm not sure – this lady keeps babbling. We'd better get down there."

"Ororo and I will leave immediately – you stay here and round up the children." Charles ended the connection. He turned to look up. "We need to go back to the clinic- something is wrong."

* * *

"Thank you for coming so quickly Mr. Xavier," Dr. Chilton **2**, the chief psychiatrist at the clinic, said, thrusting his hand out.

Charles shook the outstretched appendage. "What is going on?"

"We're having some difficulties with Mr. Lehnsherr," Chilton replied as he began to walk away, motioning for the professor to follow.

"I'd be concerned if you weren't having trouble with him," Charles replied.

"Of course, most of our patients display behavior intended at showing their displeasure with their situation. However Mr. Lehnsherr is behaving violently."

"That is one of his many problems."

Chilton nodded in understanding as punched a code into a locked door. Pushing the door open, he resumed walking.

"So his records would indicate – but not this type to violence."

"What did he do?"

"He tried to bite one of our nurses."

"Bite?"

"Yes – we've had to secure him. The problem is that we can't treat him while he's secured."

"Are you expelling him?"

Chilton stopped in mid stride. "Mr. Xavier – we want to help Mr. Lehnsherr and deal with these behavioral problems of his. However we are not equipped to restrain a man of his – unique - talents. I will not let him jeopardize the safety of everyone else in this facility. I will remove him if I have no other choice."

"There must be a way to persuade him to remain here."

"We've tried everything. He won't cooperate."

"Perhaps he'll respond to me. Let me see him."

"I can't let you in there."

"Why not?"

"He's been making threats about you for the last few hours."

Charles sighed. "It's a liability isn't it?"

"Pretty much."

"I'll sign the damn paper – just let me see him."

* * *

Charles wheeled himself into the padded cell that was the current residency of Magneto. He shifted uncomfortably in the plastic wheelchair – unused to the shoddy design and lack of comfort.

All in all, Charles was very uncomfortable. Of course – that could have been from the fact that he was looking at his best friend bound in a straight jacket, strapped to a gurney, with a mask strapped over his face. Magneto leveled an ice cold glare at Charles.

"Come to see the hell you've consigned me to? Come to gloat?"

"Erik – this is not hell. You know that."

"I know that you betrayed me. Betrayed with a capital B!"

"Calm down, Erik."

"I don't think I will! I think I'll be as mad as you think I am. If I'm going to be committed I might as well act insane!"

"This is rehab."

"Same difference."

There was a brief pause. "Well if you can't do it, I can respect that."

"Respect it?"

"Of course. Erik – despite what you might currently believe – I am your friend. I would never want for you to endure any mental anguish."

"So you'll get me out of here."

"Absolutely – I'll go talk to the orderlies right now."

"Not so fast Charles! This is a scheme of yours isn't it? Why would you let me go so easily? And don't lie! I know when you lie."

"I bet Hank that you couldn't do it."

"You made bets about me?"

"I felt having known you for almost thirty years, I had an inside track."

"You bet on me? Do I look like a horse to you?"

"Not in this light. But if we dimmed it…"

"CHARLES!"

"So I bet against you. What's the harm in that?"

"You didn't think I could do this? What kind of friend are you?"

"I just thought…"

"You didn't think! I can do this Charles – and I will, just to spite you and your bet!"

"Erik – don't be hasty!"

"No, I am going to his infernal exercise of rehab! And I'll prove to you that I can do it! Now get me out of this gurney and jacket – but tell them I'll keep the mask."

* * *

**What mischief will Magneto get into? **

**Send in those ideas.**

**Next time: Magneto begins therapy - and gets to meet the rest of the group. **

**1 – **Never try to sell anything to Homer. Ever.

**2 ­– **This is the name of the head doctor guy in Silence of the Lambs.


	2. The Group

Thanks to Spiffythefaery for all the wonderful work she provides.

* * *

Dr. Chilton looked over his desk at the patient across from him. "Are you going to behave from now on, Mr. Lehnsherr?"

"Define behave."

"No more attacking my staff."

"I can't make that promise."

"Mr. Lehnsherr," Chilton growled.

"What? I'm just being realistic. Better that you're prepared."

Chilton glared for a moment. "Your honesty is appreciated. Now if we could discuss your schedule during your stay here."

"I think imprisonment is more apt."

"I prefer to think of it as a vacation."

"That's because you don't have to stay here. Have you tried the crap you pass off as food?"

"I'll have you know that our kitchen received the highest possible rating for a facility of this sort."

"So you're not as bad as the other guys – that doesn't say much."

Chilton frowned. "If we could get back to the subject of your rehabilitation…"

"Go ahead – but I'm not promising to listen."

"You are desperate to pick a fight with me."

"I'm not desperate."

"You are. Why must you have me engage you in a debate?"

"Why do you wear your hair like that?"

"Don't change the subject. Answer my question."

"I don't think I will."

"Why not?"

"You didn't say the magic word."

"Mr. Lehnsherr – please answer my question."

"That's not the magic word."

"What is the magic word?"

"I'm not telling."

"Why not?"

"Because then I'd have to answer your stupid inquires."

"You don't want to answer my questions?"

"Where did you get your degree from? I had a henchman who got a degree in psychology from some online institute – he's better at this than you and he's certifiable."

Chilton pinched his nose in frustration and swallowed some foul words that were on the tip of his tongue. "Go to your group session now Mr. Lehnsherr."

"I don't do well in groups. I'm not a team player – unless I run the team."

"Please leave now or I shall have the orderlies drag you away."

"The ugly male orderlies or the cute female orderlies?"

"Out of my office!"

"Just trying to hold a conversation. No need to get snappy. I'm going."

* * *

Magneto entered the group therapy room. Chairs had been arranged in a giant circle, with many of the seats already filled with other patients. The group was not in session yet, leaving the members to mingle among themselves. Magneto looked around in awe – amazed at all the familiar faces he was confronted with. He slipped into an empty chair and glared at the person to his right.

"What are you doing here?"

Mystique shrugged. "Court order. Besides Fury says I have to go through this charade if I'm going to work on the same team as him."

Magneto followed her finger to the figure across the room. "Sabretooth? You're here too?"

"Fury said if she went I had to go to. Apparently burying problems with lots of alcohol isn't government approved therapy."

"You're working for the government?"

"Since you vanished, no one would pay me in Cat C – I mean money."

"I remember paying you with Meow Mix – that's not a secret," Magneto said, turning to look at Mystique again. "You're here willingly?"

"Well, besides being blackmailed into working for the government, Xavier said that he wouldn't let me see my children unless I did this."

"Why would you want to see your children?"

"Not everyone hates their children."

"I don't hate my children – I merely dislike them. Actually, I only dislike Pietro. Wanda scares me."

"I haven't had enough time with my children to make that kind of decision."

"I'm still amazed that you have kids, Raven. Who'd be desperate enough to actually sleep with you?" Sabretooth chortled, earning him glares of amusement from Magneto and Mystique. He blinked in confusion for a moment before his mind clicked. "Oh yeah. Crap." **1 **

Magneto chuckled and turned to look at the person to his left. "Didn't I leave you with the Brotherhood?"

John nodded. "Those blokes didn't want me around. Kicked me out and dragged me here. Just 'cause I tried to burn down the house twenty seven days in a row. It's not like I _actually_ burned the place down!"

"Didn't you spend four months trying to burn down the old base?"

"I know! And they complained after only twenty seven days – it's not fair!" John whined. Magneto patted his shoulder once before looking at the other familiar face in the crowd.

"What did you do to deserve being locked in here?"

"You blow up your house one time and your parents think you have problems!" Forge moaned.

"You blew up your house?"

"Technically it was my parent's house."

"You still live with your parents? Aren't you like sixty?"

"I'm thirty five – thank you very much. You try moving out after your parents thought you were dead for twenty years."

"Can't you get a job and move out?"

"What do you think I was trying to do?"

"I don't know – you're a hippy," Magneto replied with a shrug.

"I'm from the seventies! The hippies were the sixties!"

Magneto turned to look at Mystique. "Is that right?"

"I don't remember either decade, to be honest. Too many drugs."

"I remember 'em. That's when I hooked up with her. Why can't I forget that? Thirty years of hard drinking and I still can't forget that! Where the hell is the alcohol in this place?" Sabertooth moaned.

Magneto turned his attention back to Forge. "So what exactly were you trying to do?"

"I was trying to build a toy for children."

"And it exploded? That would have been a great toy!"

"It did not explode! Well, it kind of exploded. I mean, I think it would have exploded ten minutes later had I not activated the self destruct."

"You put a self destruct mechanism on a toy?"

"I had to!"

"For what self defense? Was the toy going to attack you? Were you scared of it?"

Forge glared at Magneto, muttering something under his breath. Magneto grinned.

"You were scared of it! What was it?"

"A fluffy rabbit."

"A rabbit? Are you scared of rabbits?" **2**

Forge leveled an even darker glare. Magneto began to laugh and he was quickly joined by the rest of the group.

"You're scared of rabbits!" Mystique managed to get out between laughs.

"I could so incinerate you all right now," Forge muttered. The laughter continued for a few moments before dying down.

Magneto looked to the last member of the group – and the only person who he didn't recognize. "What are you here for?"

"I don't know. Unlike you people, I'm sane."

"Oh. Well, nice to meet you anyway. My name is Erik Lehnsherr, but you can call me Magneto."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Ulysses S. Grant, Eighteenth President of the United States."

"You're not the eighteenth president of the United States!" Magneto protested.

"I know! It's my name, not my job!" **3**

Magneto stared at the man in complete silence – unsure of what to say.

"Cigarette?" Ulysses S. Grant, Eighteenth President of the United States asked.

"No thank you."

"I wasn't offering you one – I was talking to it!" Ulysses snapped. He pulled out a cigarette and held it in front of his face. "Cigarette - prepare to be smoked!"

Ulysses was about to strike a match when Magneto tackled him to the ground, knocking the match away.

"What are you doing?"

"You can't have fire around John. It's very, very, very dangerous."

"I wasn't going to have a fire. I was going to have a cigarette."

"And you have to light the cigarette with a flame."

"No – I was going to smoke it."

Magneto stared at Ulysses incredulously. "You're an idiot!"

"Takes one to know one."

"You just insulted yourself."

"I know you know I insulted myself."

"What?"

"Huh?"

Magneto's eyes opened wide. "Brain can't comprehend – stupid statements shutting down mental activities."

Mystique grabbed Magneto's shoulder and coerced him to stand. "Come on Erik – back to your seat – stop talking to the crazy man."

The door opened and silence descended immediately. An older woman strode into the room, carrying an air of authority and control. Nipping at her heels was a younger man with long brown hair dangling in front of his eyes. The woman glared at the group.

"Good day. My name is Nurse Ratchet and welcome to your group. Take a good look around you – learn the faces of the people in this room. You will be spending your entire tenure here with these individuals – eating with them, talking with them, learning with them, going through therapy with them, sleeping with them…" **4**

Sabretooth snorted. "I've already done that. Can I skip to the next section?"

Nurse Ratchet glared. "Mr. Creed, I was speaking metaphorically."

"Really? How'd you do that? I only speak English," John cracked.

Ratchet turned. "Mr. Allerdyce – please keep a civil tongue in your unprepossessing face."

John blinked and leaned over to Magneto. "What's unprepossessing mean?"

Magneto chuckled. "Moira called me that once. I looked it up. Best you don't know." **5**

"Mr. Lehnsherr – silence!" Ratchet snapped forcefully. "At this facility we have strict rules governing your behavior and rehabilitation. You all will abide by these rules – punishments are most severe. On other hand, good behavior is rewarded. Do what the nurses and doctors tell you and we'll get along famously."

"When people get along famously, doesn't someone end up dead?"

"Mr. Lehnsherr – stop interrupting me! Now when you are done with your session for today, a nurse will take you to your joint quarters."

"Joint quarters? I don't want to share a room with these people – I mean look at them. Especially that one! He's a hippy!"

"I'm not a hippy!"

"Well, he's weird."

"You will room with everyone here. And that is the last we will discuss this. This," Ratchet said, gesturing towards the silent man, "is Dr. Boles. He will conduct your group sessions. Dr. Chilton will conduct your private sessions. Good day."

She turned sharply on her heels and left. Boles settled down into a vacant chair. "Right, any questions before we begin?"

"Where's the alcohol?"

"We don't allow the patients to drink. Sorry."

"What? No! I can't live like this!" Sabretooth leapt to his feet and launched himself towards the nearest window. He smacked into the window – which did not break – and fell over, his legs kicking above his head.

"This is the mutant wing of the building. It can withstand all of your powers – so escape isn't possible. Anything else?"

No one said anything, contenting themselves to simply glare at Boles – who squirmed under the intensity.

"So – who wants to go first?"

* * *

**What mischief will Magneto get into with the aid of his group?**

**And what is life like at the mansion now that he's gone?**

**Find out next time!**

**And send in those ideas!**

**1 –** In the comics Sabretooth had a child with Mystique

**2 – **In most of Toddfan's stories Forge has crippling phobia of rabbits

**3 – **The character and his dialogue have been lifted from the show _Newsradio_

**4 – **The evil nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, from an suggestion from Morlock

**5 – **From the old John Wayne movie McLintock!


	3. Patients on Strike

Sorry for the long delay – but they'll only get longer. Sometimes things just happen that way.

Thanks to the lovely Spiffythefaery for the beta work.

* * *

Magneto walked into the group quarters – and was taken aback by the sight that greeted him. He had been in Boles office while the others had been scheduled for meetings with Chilton and Ratchet. Everyone was sitting quietly; staring at nothing in particular, save for Pyro who was sobbing softly in the corner.

Magneto looked at Mystique. "What is going on here?"

The shape shifter looked up and pouted. "That woman is a slave driver. She made me clean! Clean! I am not a maid!"

"Well that explains you – but why is everyone else so depressed?"

"I don't know! Because I was CLEANING!"

Magneto took a step back.

"I'm going to go talk to the others," he said, scurrying away.

"Boss! Where were you?"

"I was torturing Boles in his office, Victor. What happened to you? Is that a pamphlet? I didn't know you could read."

"It's lies! All lies! It says alcohol is evil. It says maiming living things is bad. Then what the hell am I supposed to maim?"

"Maybe it's trying to tell you not to maim anything."

Sabretooth snorted. "Sure it is. Then it'll tell me to make up with an estranged wife and child."

"It's disheartening to know that you managed to breed." Magneto turned away, only to confront a solemn Forge.

"What did they tell you?"

"That I should stop telling people that I'm not my age."

"Personally, I can't fathom why you insist on telling people that you're thirty. You should be quite happy being a teenager – only goes downhill from there."

"Because I am thirty!"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. People will start taking you seriously if you stopped trying to lie about your age. But if you insist upon lying about your age, pick something reasonable – like twenty."

"But I'm thirty."

Magneto waved the comment away. "No self respecting thirty year old dresses and acts like a hippy."

"I'm not a hippy!"

"I think you have a problem with accepting yourself. Just admit that you're a hippy and that you have a few screws loose in your head."

"No. I'm perfectly happy with myself. Morons like you just think I'm crazy because you don't listen."

Magneto's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Watch yourself hippy."

"I'm not a hippy, old man!"

Magneto glared at Forge. A soft hum filling the room as Forge's metallic arm rose. The hum grew louder as the arm accelerated, hitting Forge right between the eyes – knocking him backwards and to the ground.

Magneto took a moment to enjoy the sight of Forge crumpled on the ground when Pyro latched himself onto his legs, sobbing.

"Say it isn't so Boss!" Pyro wailed into Magneto's pants.

Magneto rolled his eyes. Since when did these people start coming to him in tears asking him to make it better? He was sure it had started with Pietro or Wanda sometime ago – and somehow Pyro had picked up on it.

"What did they tell you?"

Pyro looked up at Magneto, tears dripping down his face. "They said that fire was bad for me. Then they took away all my backup matches. All of them! Even the ones I smuggled in!"

"You do have an unhealthy obsession with fire. Maybe you should find something to occupy your time – find a hobby."

"But fire is my hobby!"

"That's why you should find a new one."

"But I like my old one!"

"Perhaps you should diversify."

"I don't want to! I want my lighters back. I want my fire!" Pyro cried out, burying his face in Magneto's pants again.

Magneto sighed and looked across the room. "What's wrong with you?"

Ulysses S. Grant, Eighteenth President of the United States frowned. "They said that under no circumstances was I to superglue Dr. Chilton's desk shut."

"Can't win them all."

* * *

"Is it me or have we lost control of the students lately?" Hank asked from the refuge underneath the desk.

"It ain't you," Logan said. Resting comfortably on the table above the two was the remains of the chandelier that had once graced the entrance hall to the mansion.

"What happened?" Charles asked as he wheeled himself in and witnessed the damage.

"You want the long list or the short one?" Logan remarked as he shoved the chandelier debris away.

"For now, I suppose, the short one."

"Tabitha thought that it would be fun to blow up Sam's pants. He did his cannon thingy into the chandelier and the wall."

"I see. This is most unfortunate. We must convey that using powers for games is not acceptable in…" Charles trailed off as something large whizzed by his head and imbedded itself in the wall. He jerked back involuntarily and cast a quick glance at the object.

"How many times must I tell them that Kitty's muffins are never to be launched airborne?"

* * *

"Look, I'm just saying that you can be nicer to them," Magneto said.

Dr. Chilton exchanged a quick glance with Nurse Ratchet. "Mr. Lehnsherr, I appreciate your concern for your fellow patients, but we are trained and skilled professionals. We know what we're doing."

"And you aren't listening to me. Be nicer to them and they'll be more responsive to your crazy schemes, and then they'll stop bugging me."

"So this is really just about them bothering you? I'm disappointed in you Mr. Lehnsherr."

"Like I care what a human thinks."

Chilton leaned across his desk. "Mr. Lehnsherr, you must clear your mind of these irrational beliefs. Mutants are not superior to humans."

"And you're old," Ratchet chimed in.

Magneto stared at the two aghast. "Take it back!"

"We are telling you the truth. It's better that you accept it."

Magneto slowly rose to his feet, a fire dancing in his eyes. "I will tell you once more. Apologize for your comments and take them back!"

"No."

"You will regret those words."

* * *

Chilton and Ratchet were in his office discussing the behavior exhibited by the mutant patients when Boles burst in.

"What is the meaning of this?" Chilton hissed.

"Terribly sorry, but you need to come with me right now. They've taken the cafeteria."

"What are you talking about?" Ratchet snapped.

"The mutants. They've taken control of the cafeteria."

"Then get them out!"

"I can't. They said they're on strike. They won't leave until their demands are met."

"What demands?"

"I don't know."

Chilton sighed. "Get the orderlies to break down the doors and move them back to their facility."

"I already tried. They've barricaded the door. They've managed to build some kind of giant clown that starts telling really bad jokes if you get too close."

"A giant clown that tells bad jokes?"

"I'm serious sir. They won't leave."

Growling, Chilton rose. "Then I shall have to deal with this inconvenience. Nurse, please begin planning intensive therapy sessions."

Chilton strode down the halls quickly and approached the closed cafeteria door. The giant clown was cackling about something – Chilton couldn't hear above his pounding and shouting.

"This is Dr. Chilton. Let me in! NOW!"

For a few moments nothing happened, but the door cracked open slightly. Grinning for a brief moment, Chilton slipped inside.

Inside, Chilton saw the entire mutant group standing around holding picket signs.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"We're on strike! What does it look like?" Pyro snapped.

"On strike from what?"

"From therapy. You can't be doctors without patients," Sabretooth declared smugly.

"Where is Lehnsherr? I know he's behind this."

"He'll be with you in a moment."

"Who built that stupid clown?"

"The hippy."

"I'm not a hippy!"

Chilton glared. "You realize that you can't have signs to picket unless you strike in an area where people can see you?"

"We are well aware of that – but Ulysses and Pyro desperately wanted to make the signs," Magneto said as he sat down at one of the tables. "Please sit."

Chilton hesitated for a moment before doing so. "I will not tolerate this behavior. You will all return to your quarters immediately."

"And how do you intend on forcing us to submit? Your orderlies can not get in here – and you are incapable of overpowering any of us."

Chilton growled. "Stop this immediately."

Magneto grinned as Mystique handed him a piece of paper. "We are more than willing to go back into your so-called therapy, but only if some demands are met."

"What demands?"

"We have several. Pyro wants his lighters and matches returned to him. However, as a group, we have decided that you will give him writing materials and the giant wax crayons. Victor wants massive amounts of alcohol. Forge wants a pet rabbit and some tools."

"I don't want a rabbit!"

"Oh. Instead of a rabbit give him a bar of good soap."

"I'm not a hippy!"

"Ulysses wants cigarettes and a doctor's coat. Mystique wants some fashion magazines and a promise written in blood that you will never, ever make her clean again. I want you to apologize and rescind your comments from earlier. In addition, we all want to never pay taxes. Ever." **1**

"I don't control your taxes."

"Oh – that's meant for the list of demands in case the government ever needs my help."

"And if I don't give in?"

"Then we stay here."

Chilton rose. "I'll consider it if you go back to your quarters now. If you remain here, I'll pump knockout gas through the ventilation, drag you back and you'll get nothing."

"How can we trust a human?"

"How can I trust mutants?"

The two glared at each other.

"Very well Chilton – I'll play your game. But mark my words – should you not grant our requests, the consequences will be most dire."

* * *

The group sat around their quarters late that night. Chilton had not granted any request – and Ratchet made it clear that he wouldn't.

"What do we do now? I need some alcohol!"

"The humans have drawn first blood. Now my brothers, the mission is clear – our task determined. No matter what happens we know what must be done. From here on out it is our duty to make the lives of Chilton and Ratchet and the rest of their fools as miserable as we can. We will not rest, we will not sleep until we have vengeance!"

* * *

**Next time: Chilton makes a preliminary strike at one of the patients.**

**And a special guest makes an appearance!**

**Send in those ideas and reviews!**

**1 – **The last request comes from the movie _Armageddon._.


	4. It Was the OneArmed Man

Sorry for the long delay in updates. I hope that there shouldn't be such a long gap, but with me you never really know.

Thanks to Spiffythefaery for doing all she can to keep me sane. It's a loosing battle, but someone has to fight.

* * *

Charles Xavier had one of those looks again, the one that clearly told the person on the receiving end that he was not amused. Normally it was a warning sign that almost everyone heeded, the lone exception being his old friend who was currently in a mental institution. However, Bobby Drake was completely oblivious to the growing danger he was in.

"So in the end, I can firmly declare that I can not be held responsible for this."

Xavier's eyebrow rose even higher than it already was. "Oh? What makes you say that?"

"If Scott and Jean didn't want those pictures to get out then they would have had a better hiding place."

"Really? So in your mind it is acceptable to break in to a student's room and sell some of their possessions on E-Bay?"

"Of course not – Scott and Jean aren't students."

Xavier glared at Bobby. There really was little else he could do. "Go see Logan for your punishment Bobby."

Wheeling himself away, Xavier wondered when these events had become so common that he stopped realizing how bizarre they actually were.

* * *

"Attention!" Chilton barked. None was given. The group session had devolved into chaos – John was currently trying to see if he could tame Sabretooth with a chair and licorice whip.

"What is going on? Stop this at once!" Again the doctor was ignored. Growling, Chilton strode forward and grabbed the chair from John, who lost his balance and was promptly pounced on by Sabretooth. The other patients groaned as their fun was cut short.

"What do you think you're doing? This is not fun time – you are supposed to be in group therapy!"

"We thought this would be more interesting," Mystique said with a shrug. Chilton merely glared.

"Where is Dr. Boles?"

"No idea."

"Did he show up?"

"Can't recall."

Chilton turned red. Not the embarrassed shade of red, but the shade of red that the teapot gets right before it explodes.

"Where is Lehnsherr?"

Mystique tapped her chin tapped her chin in thought. "Don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It's pretty self explanatory Doc."

Chilton sighed loudly. "Does anyone know where Lehnsherr is?"

"Oooooo! I know! Pick me!" John said as he stretched his arm above his head as far as he could. Meanwhile Sabretooth began chewing on John's shoe.

Chilton looked expectantly at John.

"Ohh! I know this one! Please pick me!"

Chilton continued to stare at John – who continued to raise his hand.

"You have to call on him," Mystique pointed out helpfully.

Chilton rolled his eyes. "Yes John."

John lowered his hand and looked up at Chilton sheepishly. "What's the question?"

"WHERE IS LEHNSHERR?"

John looked at the doctor with a skeptical look. "How the hell am I supposed to know that? I ain't his mommie."

Chilton was ready to explode. If there were a lit match around, he probably would have John began looking for a lighter. The explosion was averted when the door was thrown open and Magneto walked in, dragging a very inebriated Boles in behind him.

"What happened here?" Chilton demanded.

Magneto dropped Boles to the ground before shrugging with a noncommittal grunt. Boles was muttering something. Chilton glared at Magneto, but his tirade was cut off by Nurse Ratchet entering the room.

"There you are Doctor Chilton. I see you've seen Dr. Boles."

"What happened?"

"Boles claimed that a giant robot was chasing after him and that his only defense was to drink a bottle of vodka."

Chilton whirled on the mutants. "Which one of you is responsible for this?"

Everyone remained silent. Chilton glared but no one would meet his gaze.

"Fine. If no one is willing to confess then I'm going to have to make my own conclusions, and I assure you that there will be punishment. That goes double for you," he said, pointing at Magneto.

"Me? What did I do?" Magneto replied with a look of pure innocence.

"You demagnetized all my credit cards." **1**

Magneto tried to keep a straight face but failed. His lips twisted into a smile and a soft laugh escaped his lips. "Ok, I did do that."

Chilton glared for a moment before storming out, Nurse Ratchet trailing behind him.

* * *

Magneto woke up early the next morning. At first he wasn't sure why he was up. It wasn't that he was a late riser, but seven o'clock is early for anyone. Then he realized he reason he had been jarred from a pleasant dream about making Logan dance like a marionette was that someone was screaming.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Firmly putting a pillow over his head, Magneto tried to go back to sleep. This tactic did nothing to stop the noise. He then tried appealing to a third party – "Someone turn that off!"

This was just as ineffective. Sighing to himself, he rolled out of bed to cause serious bodily harm to whoever was yelling. Leering with sleepy eyes, he marched over to the source of the noise.

"What is your problem?"

"My arm is missing!" Forge cried out.

"Haven't you been missing an arm for years?"

"My mechanical arm is missing!"

"So what? Why couldn't we deal with this at a more civilized hour of the day?"

"Because someone stole my arm! That's my property. It's like someone stealing your helmet."

Magneto began to laugh. "No one would be stupid enough to steal my helmet."

"Not unless they needed help looking like a moron," Mystique said as she joined the conversation. Magneto glared, but said nothing.

"Don't worry Forge, we'll get your arm back."

"Why are you committing me to your plans?"

"Because this will really irritate Chilton and Ratchet."

"Good point. Count me in!"

* * *

It was lunchtime and the group was sitting in the cafeteria. To anyone watching they were simply a close knit group of friends huddled in conversation while enjoying their lunch. Of course if anyone watching actually knew the group, they would know such behavior was impossible.

In reality, they were planning.

Food had been arranged in a crude diagram of the building, including markers for each member of the group and the doctors.

"Now, we are assuming that Forge's arm is located somewhere in Chilton's secured office. Probably under lock and key," Magneto was saying, pointing at a charred piece of chicken.

"We need to draw Chilton and Ratchet away from the office," Magneto moved two French fries, "While they are gone, our special crack invasion team will infiltrate the office and steal Forge's arm back. Mystique, Pyro, and Ulysses will be this team – code name: Uglies." "I don't like that code name," Ulysses pouted.

"Well that's the name you drew from the hat and the hat is the final arbiter of all important decisions," Magneto replied. "In order to distract Chilton and Ratchet we will simultaneously launch two diversions. That way we split them up and they will assume that anyone they don't see will be at the other incident. Sabretooth will distract Ratchet. His team name is Fire."

"Rats! I wanted that one," John pouted.

"Forge and I will distract Chilton. Our team name: the Super Duper Really Awesome Team."

"That's a good name man," Ulysses grinned.

"Now it is absolutely crucial that the Uglies get in and out as fast as possible. We can only guarantee you about seven minutes at the most – we'll try to stretch it as long as we can, but no promises. Any questions?" Magneto looked around at the rest of his group. "Good. Then Operation: Limb Lift will commence in exactly two hours and thirty two minutes."

"Wait a minute! You changed the name of the operation!" Mystique protested. "That was not the name that came out of the hat."

"I refuse to participate anything called Operation: Hot Pants."

"That's not what the hat said."

Magneto glared at Mystique for a moment, but it was clear who would win.

"Fine. Everyone prepare for Operation: Hot Pants."

* * *

Charles Xavier looked at the remains of his backup wheelchairs. Lying amongst the rubble were several of the New Mutants, including a dozen Jamies.

"My wheelchairs are not to be used for racing purposes. Ever! Who put the rocket propellers on them?"

"Logan."

"Don't you dare accuse an instructor for your behavior. Confess now! You all have behaved irresponsibly and dangerously. I can not and will not tolerate such acts . Now who is responsible for the rocket propellers?"

"Logan."

"If you say Logan one more time I will go into your minds and find out for myself and I assure you I will not be gentle."

"It was Logan!"

"I warned you!" Mental images flashed through Charles's mind. His eyes snapped open and he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"LOGAN!"

The feral mutant rushed into the hallway and looked at the wreckage. "Damn, they were really moving too."

Charles Xavier began to turn purple.

* * *

Sabretooth was on edge. He knew what he was supposed to do, Magneto had been very explicit with his orders, but he was still nervous. He hadn't done something like this in years – and when had, he'd been four sheets to the wind and sailing for blackout island. **2**

In the end, he really had no choice. Closing his eyes, he prepared himself. He took a deep breath and then looked at the microphone in front of him. Flipping the intercom on, he spoke in to the machine, his voice reverberating throughout the entire asylum.

"I'm dedicating this song to the most beautiful woman in the world – Nurse Ratchet. This is for you babe."

He took in a deep breath and began to sing, "Every night in my dreams, I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you go on…"**3**

* * *

Magneto grinned as Sabretooth's voice came over the loud speaker. Chilton was a few feet away and about to take off toward the control room. Magneto had to act quickly. He lunged forward and tackled Chilton to the floor.

"Get off of me."

"I can't. He's cast a spell on me."

"What are you talking about?"

"The mighty shaman – he put a spell on me."

"Off Lehnsherr!"

"Hey – I don't want to be anywhere this close to you – I don't think the stench will ever come out."

While Magneto pinned Chilton to the floor, Forge emerged, pointing his stump at the two men, a funky headdress resembling a dead chicken adorning his head. The headdress had been decorated with copious amounts of glitter and construction paper from arts and crafts time.

"Return my arm to me doctor or you shall feel my wrath!" Forge bellowed.

"No. Get him off of me!"

"Return my arm!"

"Never."

"Then foolish man, you shall feel my…" Forge never got a chance to finish what Chilton was about to feel since he was tackled to the ground by a burly orderly. Chilton managed to throw Magneto off and took off down the hall at a sprint.

There was a loud screech over the loudspeaker and Sabretooth's singing stopped, replaced by moaning.

* * *

Sabretooth fell to the floor, clutching his groin. Nurse Ratchet stood above him, anger emanating from every pore.

Sabretooth moaned – healing factor or no, getting kicked in the balls really hurt.

* * *

The rest of the day passed without incident. Of course, that was probably because the entire group had been strapped to gurneys and secured in straightjackets.

Unfortunately the gambit had been for nothing. Mystique and Ulysses had been unable to find Forge's arm – which made the inventor very grumpy.

"Well, that was fun," Magneto said.

"I don't know – listening to Sabretooth sing is not something I'd call fun," Mystique replied.

"Owwww. I need some alcohol."

"I wonder where Forge's arm is hidden," Magneto mused, although in a very subdued tone. Forge was moping silently and Magneto didn't want to aggravate him.

"I have no idea. I mean, we are dealing with some of the most heinous people known to man – psychiatrists."

"In my day, they were called degenerates and they were stoned! With large rocks!" **4**

Mystique shrugged – rather, she tried to shrug. "Guess we'll just have to wait this one out."

* * *

Two days passed before they were finally released. Their confinement had ended only after Chilton had extracted promises that they would behave themselves (although Magneto was crossing his fingers). Most of their amenities had been stripped from them, leaving them with very little to do besides attend group therapy – even though Boles had yet to show up. The group was beginning to go stir crazy.

Thus it came as a great surprise when Chilton entered, surrounded by a veritable army of orderlies.

"Congratulations – you're getting a new member to your merry band of miscreants. Now move back," he ordered. Silently the mutants obeyed, curious about this new development. The door opened and a sound filtered into the room.

"_She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be coming around the mountain, she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!"_ a jubilant voice sang. The singing got louder and louder until the new patient was wheeled into the room on a gurney, his arms securely fastened to his chest. He was covered from head to toe in a deep red and blue bodysuit, his face was covered by a mask in the same colors.

"Allow me to introduce Wade Wilson alias Deadpool."

Deadpool looked around for a minute, "_Aw crap. I thought I was going to be in one of Todd Fan's parodies!"_**5**

"Mr. Wilson suffers from a series of delusions. He also has severe homicidal tendencies," Chilton explained as the orderlies began to unfasten the straps.

"_I wouldn't be a good assassin if I didn't have homicidal tendencies, now would I? Good to do what we're good at."_

"Have fun," Chilton said coolly as Deadpool was thrown off his gurney and to the floor. The doctor and his orderlies marched out, locking the door behind them.

Magneto offered his hand to the fallen mercenary and pulled him off the ground. "Deadpool – I am Magneto. Welcome to our little neck of the woods. It is our sworn mission to make life as miserable and hectic as possible for Dr. Chilton and his allies."

"_Causing trouble? I'm so in."_

Magneto smiled. "Deadpool – I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."**6**

* * *

**With a new addition to the group, what mischief will happen next? How will the doctors strike back?**

**Tune in next time.**

**1 – **Suggested by Goldylokz

**2 – **This is from a book whose title I can't remember, but I think it's the Alcoholic's Manifesto (or something like that)

**3 – "**My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

**4 – **From "that 70s Show." Got to love Red Forman

**5 – **Deadpool has the ability to break the 4th wall – which means he's one of the few characters who actually realizes that he's in a comic (or in this case a fan fiction) and will point that out occasionally.

**6 – **last line from "Casablanca"


	5. Role Play

Thanks to the wonderful Spiffythefaery for all the beta work she provides – no matter how quickly or slowly I take to actually write something.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or any of its characters. But that's already painfully obvious.

* * *

The two combatants stared at each other over the field. Neither would blink, neither would yield. Then with a quick strike one lunged forward, swinging his weapon – his aim true. The blue plastic piece struck the game board.

"Checkmate!" John declared.

Deadpool screeched in frustration and upended the board game, sending pieces everywhere. John began his victory dance – which wasn't a dance at all, he cackled, bouncing up and down, crowing in victory.

"I won at chess. I got checkmate! I'm better than you. I'm better than you. Hahaha – ha-ha-ha!"

Magneto watched with an amused grin. To his right, Mystique spoke up.

"Shouldn't we point out that they were playing Candyland?"

"Let him have his fun."

"So what are we doing today?"

"Group therapy I think."

"So nothing then."

"Unless Boles decides to finally show up."

John's taunts had prematurely ended by Deadpool tackling him to the ground. The two began to wrestle around, throwing anything they could – punches, pillows, markers; even Ulysses went soaring through the air.

"Am I the only one who thinks Pyro may have just met his long lost insane twin?"

"As long as they don't start a competition trying to figure out who is dumber, I think we'll be fine."

The two watched the fighting degenerate into a battle royale – which meant Deadpool and Pyro against Sabretooth.

* * *

"Now today we are going to role play. Does everyone know what that is?"

"_I do. In a former life I was the great stage actor Thomas deShetgasky."_

"Wade – be quiet."

"_You realize I could kill you thirty-six ways before you hit the floor?_"

Boles glared. "You realize I could revoke your television privileges. That means no Golden Girls."

_"AH! And take away Bea? You monster!"_** 1**

"Good –now I have a hat with all your names in it. You will each take a name from the hat and then try to act as you perceive that person behaving. Then as a group we will comment on that person's flaws and how they can correct them."

Boles began passing the hat around. Each person pulled out a slip of paper, and eyed it suspiciously.

"Alright – so who wants to go first?" No one made a move. "Fine. If no one volunteers I'll pick someone at random."

Still no one moved.

"Very well. Victor – why don't you go?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

Sabretooth moaned but slowly rose to his feet. "Look at me! I'm a silly hippy that is afraid of rabbits and makes machines that blow up! I think I'm thirty but I'm actually still a teenager!"

"I do not act like that!" Forge protested.

"Forge is right – you forgot that he's missing an arm," Mystique added.

"This is my rendition and I'll play it how I want," Sabretooth grumbled.

"Alright, alright. Do you have anything else, perhaps a bit more positive, about Forge you'd like to add?"

"Nope. I think I covered him pretty good."

Boles blinked a few times. "Ok. Forge, why don't you go next?"

"I'm an insane pyromaniac who really, really, really likes fire."

"Is that all?"

"Yup."

"Got to admit, that's pretty dead on mate," John chimed in.

"Your turn John."

"Hmm. This is a tough one. Let's see. I am an evil, manipulative, shape-shifting wh…" John began, only to make eye contact with Mystique. Swallowing his words, John sat down.

"I mean I'm a prim and proper person who's practically perfect in everyway."

Boles raised an eyebrow. "John, you can be honest here."

"I'm being honest. No faults whatsoever."

"Do you believe that John gave an accurate portrayal of you Raven?"

"Of course. I _am_ practically perfect in everyway," Mystique replied with a tone that hinted there would be pain to anyone who would dare to disagree.

Sabretooth was never good at picking up hints. "That's not true. I've slept with her – I know she's not perfect. I wouldn't even call her decent."

"Because lying like a rock makes you the best ever."

"I _chose_ not to move. Why the hell would I want to touch you more than necessary?"

Mystique leapt to her feet and tackled Sabretooth. The two mutants tumbled over in a flurry of kicking, punching, and cursing.

Boles turned to Magneto with a panicked expression. "Stop them!"

Magneto shrugged. "I don't feel like it."

"But you're the only one they listen too. Get them to stop!"

Magneto waved his hand dismissively. "Let them get it out of their systems."

"Lehnsherr!"

Magneto crossed his arms defiantly. The skirmish continued as the two mutants began to shout louder.

Nurse Ratchet burst into the room, dismayed at what she saw.

"Dr. Boles, what is going on here? Stop this fighting at once."

"I can't. He won't help me," Boles pouted as he pointed at Magneto. Ratchet whirled around.

"Mr. Lehnsherr – stop them this instant or else I'll throw you into solitary!"

"I'm living with a hippy – solitary isn't a threat."

While Nurse Ratchet attempted to glare so viciously at Magneto that his head would explode, the shouting stopped and the brawl ceased – then turned into something else entirely. Sabretooth had his arms wrapped around Mystique and the two were passionately making out.

"Now I'll help," Magneto said, raising his hands. With a hum the metal legs on the chairs pried the amorous mutants apart.

"Hey!" Sabretooth protested.

"Bad Sabretooth! No!"

Sabretooth glared at Magneto as he began to pout. Mystique merely attempted to regain any shred of dignity she had (which Magneto believed was currently none) and returned to her chair.

Ratchet glared at the group. "There will be no more disruptions of the session. Anyone who does so will be dealt with most harshly. Any questions?"

_"I got one. If you're here, who's running hell?"_ **2**

Ratchet glared. "No television for you Mr. Wilson. One week." That said she marched out of the room.

"Can we please continue without any further interruptions?"

Mystique snorted. "I think we all know the answer to that question."

Boles sighed. "Ulysses, why don't you go next?"

"Alright, let's see. I am an incredibly skilled assassin who happens to have a tenuous grip on sanity. And I'm obsessed with Bea Arthur."

"Wow – it's like there's two Deadpools!" John awed.

"Wade, do you have anything to say about Ulysses' portrayal?"

_"She took away Bea! How could she?"_ Deadpool moaned.

"Don't worry Deadpool. We'll just steal some televisions and you'll be watching Golden Girls in no time," Magneto consoled.

Deadpool looked up and likely blinked away tears that were forming in his eyes. _"Really?"_

"I swear on my children's life."

"Oh yeah, because that means a lot to you," Mystique snorted.

"Shut up! I'm trying to help the boy."

"So you're going to make him a false promise. That's going to help."

"It is not a fake! I am sincere!"

"You never keep your promises!"

"Name one time," Magneto challenged.

"What about the time you promised you were going to take me to Hawaii? Whatever happened to that trip?"

"You tried to kill me!"

"So what? Excuses, excuses. You never wanted to take me. You never keep your promises."

"I promise I'll hit you with a frying pan if you don't shut up!"

Mystique gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Wouldn't I?"

The two glared intensely at each other. So intensely that Ulysses couldn't stand the sight and fainted.

"Umm. Could we get back to the session at hand?" Boles asked. Magneto and Mystique glowered simultaneously but silently acquiesced to the request by resuming their seats.

Boles gave a satisfied nod. "Alright. Wade – please continue."

Deadpool looked at the piece of paper in his hand. He scratched his head for a few moments before leaping to his feet. _"I'm a…no wait. Let's see. I like to…no that doesn't work. I always…that's wrong too. How about…uh…I'm insane and think I'm a president of the __United States__?"_

"It's my name! Not my job!"

"What do you do?" Mystique asked.

"Air traffic controller."

"What exactly are you doing here?"

"Vacation."

"You're insane," Magneto breathed.

Ulysses snorted. "Says you. I'm not the one who got committed."

"You came here voluntarily."

"Your point is?"

"Back to the subject at hand," Boles interrupted. "Who hasn't gone?"

"He hasn't," Sabretooth chimed in, pointing a large finger in Magneto's direction.

"Well then, Mr. Lehnsherr. The floor is yours."

"I don't think so."

"Everyone else has gone. You have to as well."

"This exercise is stupid. I refuse to participate."

"Stop being stubborn. Just act out who you're supposed to be."

"I am."

Boles paused. "Did you get yourself? That ruins the point of the exercise. Does anyone want to portray Mr. Lehnsherr?"

Every hand in the room shot into the air at once.

"You portray me poorly and I'll rip out your intestines and wear them as a hat!"

The hands went down.

Boles sighed. "Look there is a point to this exercise. It is meant to show you how others think and feel about you. Sometimes we have difficulty determining our faults but this allows us to see what they are. By correcting our failures we can achieve what we want. What do you all want in life?"

"Alcohol."

"Fire."

"My hand back."

"To be incredibly rich."

"_To be able to kill you 37 times before you hit the floor."_

"A paper airplane."

Boles looked at Magneto. "What do you want?"

Magneto stared off into the distance as a smile crept over his face. "I want to be feared."

"No one here is afraid of you."

Magneto turned his gaze on Boles. "Then apparently I'm not doing a good job. Time to start."

"What are you talking about?"

"I think you should run. It will make this much more amusing."

There was a loud hum as the chairs rose into the air. Boles took a brief glance at the sight before scurrying out of the room at top speed, leaving the sound of the inmates' laughing behind him.

* * *

Will the inmates ever behave?

What inventive methods will the doctors try next?

**1 – **Deadpool has an obsession with Bea Arthur.

**2 – **a line from Van Wilder


	6. Visitors

Many, many thanks to the one and only Spiffythefaery for all the fantastic beta work she provides.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or any of its characters. So leave me alone.

* * *

It was a gloomy day. The sky was dark and the wind howled. Every moment passed with the threat of rain and lightning. It was the type of day where a person wanted absolutely nothing to do with the outdoors.

Naturally, Charles Xavier was outside.

"I don't care what he did, get him down!"

"Can't we leave him up there for a little bit?"

"Bobby!"

"There is going to be a thunder storm shortly and you can't leave him on a metal flag pole."

"Just think of all the bets we could make."

"Kurt, this is not a joke."

"It could be."

Xavier sighed deeply. "Get him down. Now."

"He's got a healing factor; he'll be fine."

Xavier glared. "Don't make me ask again."

A chorus of groans greeted the statement.

* * *

"They're doing what?"

"They're refusing to participate in group therapy anymore," Ratchet spat.

Chilton looked up from his work. "They're refusing?"

"Yes sir."

"How?"

"You've seen what they can do. They don't take kindly to being bullied."

"What have they done?"

"Today? They started selling baking powder to the recovering cocaine addicts in exchange for the addicts protesting their therapy."

Chilton frowned. "Baking powder?"

"Withdrawal makes the patients do crazy things."

Chilton sighed and dropped his pen. "Isn't Boles supposed to keep them under control? Where is he?"

"That's a fair question. I don't know."

"Probably managed to get himself tied up in some sticky situation."

* * *

"Let me down!"

"_One more word and I'm taping Sabretooth's sock in your mouth!_"

"If I had my lighter we could burn him."

The doors to the ward burst open as several orderlies entered, followed by Chilton. One glance at the room revealed Boles tied up to a long wooden stake. Deadpool and Pyro were casually observed the struggling doctor with disinterest. The orderlies pulled Boles down while Chilton glared.

"Where are the others?" he demanded.

"We're not telling," Pyro spat.

"This behavior is unacceptable. It will stop."

"_You really expect us to listen to you?_"

Chilton turned to the orderlies, "Find the others. Do it quickly and keep them here."

* * *

"Why are we sitting here?" Mystique asked. The entire group was sitting in their therapy room.

"Apparently they think that if we get reprimanded again we might fall in line," Magneto answered.

Sabretooth snorted in response. Magneto grinned but any retort that he may have made was prevented by the doors swinging open as Chilton, Ratchet, and Boles entered.

"You all are trying my patience," Chilton spat acidly.

"You've been patient? What are you like when you're not patient?" Forge asked.

"Did Forge just make a joke? Does he actually have a sense of humor?" Mystique said with a grin.

"Quiet!" Ratchet barked. Silence descended.

"No matter what method I try, you all resist every attempt I make. My kindness has been stretched to the breaking point, more so than by any other group. Yet, I still try to find someway to help you all. I can not do so without your cooperation. You have not done so. I believe I have finally figured out a way to make you."

Heads whipped around to look at Chilton, eyes wide with attention. Chilton grinned at the extra attention.

"I've been operating under the assumption that you all would eventually behave. My mistake," Chilton paused in contemplation. "No matter, no matter. I have finally made the breakthrough that I have needed. You always are interested in what is best for you. So I am going to appeal to that nature. If you behave yourselves, if you participate in your therapy, and if you cause no trouble for the staff then you will be rewarded."

"Rewarded? How?" Mystique asked.

Chilton's grin grew. "I'm going to allow you visitors."

"Visitors? Who?"

"Friends and family."

The people looked around, digesting what they had just been told. Magneto was the first to recover – a wild smirk on his face.

"So you're telling me that if I behave, I'll have visitors?"

"Yes. In your case, I'll allow your children to visit."

"So if I behave, you'll make me sit with Pietro and Wanda?"

"Precisely Mr. Lehnsherr."

Magneto rose to his feet, his grin wider than ever. "Well then. I know what I must do."

He waved his hand and a metallic hum filled the room. Several chairs levitated into the air and shot towards the medical staff. With a shout he burst through the door, leaving a very confused group of people in his wake.

* * *

"Get these forks away from me!" Boles howled.

Magneto idly looked up from the magazine that he was reading. "No."

The entire room was filled with floating cutlery. How and where Magneto had managed to secure so much silverware was a mystery. What was not a mystery was that he had unleashed them upon the unsuspecting staff. Ever since Chilton's announcement Magneto had been uncontrollable.

Pipes were erupting from ceilings, floors, and walls spilling their contents. Chairs were attacking orderlies. Machinery was going haywire. Ratchet was turned into a walking magnet – her magnetic field had been reversed to attract any and all metallic objects.

The entire medical staff was spending every waking moment trying to contain the carnage that Magneto was causing. The chaos was greater than anything the institute had ever seen. Most surprising was that Magneto had no help.

"I've had it with the floating silverware!" Mystique bellowed as a butter knife dug into her shoulder.

"It's not so bad, once you get used to it," Pyro commented as a series of spoons orbited his head.

Mystique frowned as she plucked the knife out of the air. With a fluid motion she flung it across the room. She grinned as the knife sunk into the wall with a satisfying thunk.

"Well, at least there's one good thing about not having my arm," Forge moaned as he played with the floating cutlery.

"You can't invent any explosive devices?"

"No. I'd be floating around with the forks."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Ulysses said as he drifted by.

"Well I've had it! Magnus – stop this at once!"

Magneto looked up at Mystique. "I already gave my answer to that request."

The shape shifter glared. "Just because you don't want to see your children doesn't mean that you can ruin this for everyone."

"Actually, it does and I can."

"I want to see my children. You won't ruin this for me."

"Or what?"

"I'll sic Sabretooth on you."

Magneto raised an eyebrow. "How's he supposed to get down?" he said with a nod of his head towards the bound mutant, who was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

"I promise I'll let you house break me – just let me down."

Magneto glared. "Maybe next time you'll think before you use my bed as a litter box."

Any further discussion was cut short by Chilton and Ratchet entering the room. Ratchet was covered from head to toe in metal objects. From the moment she walked into the room, the silverware began to levitate towards her. Chilton viewed the oncoming utensils with slight apprehension for a moment before turning to look at Magneto.

"I get the message. You don't want to see your children. If I promise that you'll meet someone else will you stop this?"

"I also want better food at snack time."

"Fine."

Magneto nodded with smirk. He waved his hand and the room shuttered as all the metal fell to the floor.

* * *

Anticipation ran high at the clinic. After Magneto's outburst, the rest of the week had passed without incident. All of the patients had been on their best behavior, participating in group therapy, being kind and respectful towards the staff, and even willingly engaging in one-on-one sessions with Chilton. Their good behavior was all geared towards one thing: getting visitors.

The end of the week finally arrived and the cafeteria had been set up to accommodate its guests. The rules had been issued – one patient per table, sitting opposite the visitor.

Magneto surveyed the room. He had been told to sit at a table in the corner, far away from the others. The front doors opened and the guests poured in. There were squeals of delight from Mystique as Kurt and Rogue sat down at her table. Forge paled considerably when Storm joined him. Pyro shouted at all his guests, his old Acolyte teammates. Ulysses greeted an older man with a booming voice.

Magneto's guests had not yet arrived, so he took some delight in watching Sabretooth's reaction to his guest.

"What are you doing here?" Sabretooth growled.

Logan shrugged as he dropped into the seat across the table. "Apparently no one likes you."

"So why are you here?"

"Because I wanted to make you miserable," Logan grinned. Sabretooth looked like he was about to burst. Logan's grin vanished. "I'm here to settle things once and for all. We used to be friends. I want to know what went wrong."

"You know exactly what happened," Sabretooth huffed, crossing his arms defiantly.

"You're still hung up about that?"

"You're wrong. Just admit that."

Logan barred his teeth. "I wasn't wrong!"

"Yes you were!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

Magneto turned his attention away from the escalating feud to see Kurt standing in front of him.

"What do you want?"

Kurt frowned. "I'm supposed to tell you that Professor Xavier isn't coming."

"What?"

"He can't come and Bobby isn't allowed to leave the mansion."

"Then who the hell is coming to see me?"

As Magneto asked this question, fate intervened, as it often does. The door opened to admit none other than his children.

"Oh no," Magneto muttered as he sunk his head in his hands.

Pietro and Wanda sat down across from him.

"Aren't you happy to see us, Father?" Wanda asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I talked to a lawyer about how to answer that question once – all I can say is no comment."

"No comment?"

"None. So…uh…how are you?"

"No complaints. With Pyro here, no one's tried to burn down the house."

"So you're saying that life is incredibly dull."

"We're so bored that we spent all day yesterday trying to figure out all the punctuation marks in the English language," Pietro said with a sigh.

Wanda rolled her eyes. "So what have you been doing here?"

"Pretty much whatever I want."

"Whatever you want? Shouldn't you be participating in therapy? What exactly are they trying to teach you?"

"You know that's never been made clear to me."

Wanda would have said more, but her attention was grabbed by the ever escalating shouting match between Sabretooth and Logan.

The two mutants were screaming at the top of their voices, their faces millimeters apart.

"Ginger!" Logan bellowed.

"Mary-Ann!" Sabretooth retorted.

"Ginger!"

"Mary-Ann!"

"Listen to me you gender confused feline – there is no way that Gilligan would ever end up with anyone except Ginger!"

"There is no way in hell, you flea-brained, fur-ball, midget! Gilligan and Mary-Ann were made for each other!"

"No man in his right mind would pick that cow girl over Ginger!"

"No man in his right mind would take that diseased carcass of a woman!"

The other patients were, by this point, ignoring them completely, most having heard this all before and knowing exactly where it would end up."

"That's why they hate each other?" Pietro asked.

"Always thought that it was something more profound, didn't you?"

Sabretooth and Logan were simply staring at each other, the air crackling around them when Deadpool decided to add his thoughts on the matter.

"_I always thought he should end up with Mrs. Thurston Howell III_."

"That's even dumber than his idea," Logan barked.

"Oh yeah?" Sabretooth shouted as he punched Logan in the face. Logan fell to the ground then looked up with fury.

"Big mistake." Logan lunged at Sabretooth – the two mutants tumbled into the others. It was only natural that a brawl erupted.

Magneto watched the chaos in amusement for a moment. There was much shouting, some screaming, and occasionally a kick or two. His amusement was short lived however, as a thrown object landed on Wanda's head.

Wanda growled as her hands began to glow blue. The table behind her shook violently. Magneto stood up rapidly and cast a concerned look at his daughter.

"Wanda – calm down!"

His words had no effect as the table shot into the air and began tumbling about randomly. It shot across the room, cutting a clear path through the brawl before spinning back. Magneto looked on as the table slammed into him, knocking him backward . His head snapped backwards, hitting the wall.

"Father!" Wanda cried. "Are you ok?"

Magneto blinked, trying to clear his vision. "I said this was a bad idea."

Then darkness overtook him as succumbed to unconsciousness.


	7. Bobby's Present

Many thanks to the ever elusive Spiffythefaery for all the work she does.

* * *

"What happened?"

"You should have been there Chuck. Tables flying, people screaming, pure chaos. And to top it all off, Mags gets squashed against a wall," Logan wheezed out between laughs.

"Logan! It was not funny. Magneto was seriously injured," Ororo scolded.

"Hilarious! Funniest thing I've seen in years."

"What do you mean he was hurt? How badly?" Xavier asked.

Logan paused in thought. "Not sure. When the tables started barking, we high-tailed it out of there."

"If you'll excuse me, I need to call Dr. Chilton," Xavier dismissed the others with a wave.

Logan paused on his way out the door. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. It was just a table and a wall. How bad could it be?"

* * *

"He's unconscious?" Mystique asked.

"_That's such a harsh way of putting it_," Deadpool replied.

"Then how should I put it?"

"_He's asleep. Probably not waking up anytime soon."_

"He's not going to like that."

"Who knows – he might wake up and be a whole new man," Ulysses said.

The patients had fled from the fiasco and retreated to the safety of their room. They had remained there for several hours, save for Deadpool who took it upon himself to find out what was happening with Magneto.

"He's unconscious and they can't wake him up? Isn't that a coma?" Sabretooth questioned.

"_According to Chilton, its not.__ But he mentioned something about being sued if it was."_

Mystique grinned. "I can't wait to see what's going to happen when he wakes up."

* * *

Bobby looked at Kurt in disbelief. "Into a wall?"

"Yup."

"He didn't do anything to stop it?"

"Didn't have a chance to do anything. I mean, it's not everyday that a table comes flying at you."

"Yeah," Bobby said. "Normally he's on the throwing end."

Kurt voiced his agreement.

"Then what happened?"

"When Wanda saw what she did, things got worse. Last thing I saw, Wanda was screaming and the walls were bleeding."

"Eww. She must have been pretty upset."

Kurt shrugged.

Bobby frowned. "I'm going to figure out something to do for him. To make him feel better."

"Make him feel better?"

"Yeah. Something to lift his spirits. I'm sure he could use it."

Kurt solemnly stared at his friend. "This won't end well. Count me out."

* * *

"What is wrong with Pyro?" Boles asked.

"Don't say anything. We're letting him grieve in his own way."

"He's wearing a dress and having a tea party with dolls."

"Let's just put it this way, Sabretooth made fun of him about it – now he's drinking out of the toilet."

_"Didn't he always do that?"_

"And he's decided he wants to start a career as a shadow puppeteer."

* * *

"I've got it!" Bobby declared as he burst into Kurt's bedroom.

"Got what?"

"I know how to make Magneto feel better."

Kurt looked at his friend with an inquisitive look. "Yeah?"

"We're going to get him a conjugal visit."

A cricket chirped in the distance.

"A conjugal visit?"

"Yes," Bobby replied with a grin reaching from ear to ear.

"How on earth did you come up with that idea?"

"I was watching a movie about jail. The prisoner just wanted a conjugal visit."

"Do you know what that is?"

"Nope. But I'm sure Magneto will want one."

* * *

_"I've got a very important question."_

"What?"

_"Is the machine that Magneto is hooked up to supposed to be beeping?"_

"Yes. It's life support."

There was a pause.

_"Then I should probably go plug that back in." _

* * *

"So I wanted to do something nice for Magneto – since he's in a coma and whatnot," Bobby said.

Jean looked at him sweetly. "That is so nice of you Bobby. I'm sure he'd really appreciate that."

"I was hoping that you'd help me."

"Of course I'll help. What do you want me to do?"

"Make a conjugal visit."

"BOBBY!"

A trail of ice was left in Bobby's wake as he scurried from Jean's wrath.

* * *

"Kitty?"

"What's up Bobby?"

"I was wondering if you would help me."

"Help you with what?"

"I'm trying to do something nice for Magneto."

"Of course I'll help! Lance told me what happened, it's terrible."

"Great! So you'll make a conjugal visit?"

"What is wrong with you? That's not funny!"

"What'd I say?" Bobby asked as Kitty sank through the floor.

* * *

"Rogue?"

"The answer is no, popsicle. Ah already know what you're gonna ask."

"But I thought you kinda liked Magneto."

"Get out of here before I zap you."

* * *

"Mr. Logan, can I ask you something?"

"No."

"How come no one wants to help me?" Bobby whined.

"Didn't I say no?"

"I mean I'm trying to do something nice and everyone is snapping at me," Bobby continued.

"Just ignore whatever Logan says. Don't listen to the guy with the giant knives in his hands."

"Everyone always tells me to be nicer – so here I am trying to do a good deed for once."

"Fine! What are you talking about?"

"I'm trying to do something for Magneto."

"That doesn't sound so bad. Are we sending him a stink bomb?"

"No."

"How about a large wreath of poison ivy?"

"I'm trying to do something nice."

"For him? You've officially lost it."

"So you'll help me?"

Logan sighed, not a normal sigh, but a Logan-sigh. Which was his way of saying "You're a complete idiot and I hate you and everything you stand for, but I'm not allowed to disembowel you – so yes."

Bobby, being fluent in the body language of Logan, smiled. "Good. So you'll make a conjugal visit?"

* * *

Pyro bolted upright. "Something's wrong."

Mystique cast a skeptical glare. "What makes you say that?"

"My Pyro-sense is tingling."

Sabretooth chortled. "You don't have a Pyro-sense."

"How would you know?"

"Your power is controlling fire – not sensing random things."

"Everyone else gets a secondary power - I get a Pyro-sense."

Sabretooth paused, to process Pyro's words.

"Stop trying to figure him out. Let him rant," Mystique chided.

"Right – as I was saying, something's wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure, but…" Pyro was interrupted by Deadpool entering the room, whistling. The rest of the group stared at the assassin in silence.

_"What?"_

"Why are you so happy?"

_"Who said I was happy?" _Deadpool whirled around to leer at Ulysses. _"It was you, wasn't it? You ratted me out!"_

"He didn't say anything. It was pretty obvious," Mystique said.

_"Oh."_

"And?"

_"I just made a great deal. Mega bucks."_

"Deal? For what?"

_"I sold Mags' body for science."_

"You sold him?"

_"Yup.__ If he doesn't wake up in the next couple of days, I'm gonna be rich."_

"I hope he wakes up now, just so I can see him beat you up."

* * *

"Bobby was doing what?"

"He asked me to make a conjugal visit, Professor!" Jean screeched.

Xavier looked around his office. It was packed with people who all had complaints about Bobby.

"And he did this with all of you?"

There was a chorus of replies. Xavier noticed a face in the crowd that was unexpected.

"Why are you here, Logan?"

"Because Ice-Cube asked me!"

"Does he still have all of his fingers?"

Logan snorted. Which was Logan-speak for "At the moment. But I can't guarantee that he will remain safe and unharmed for any period beyond the present."

"Where is he now?"

"I made Scott explain to him what a conjugal visit is."

"Oh. Well, that should be enough punishment for him."

* * *

"So when are your people coming for Magnus?"

_"Couple of hours.__ I'm pretty sure we're in the clear now. I'm rich!"_

The door swung open and Chilton marched in, followed by Magneto, who was heavily restrained, on a gurney.

"He's awake now. He's a bit groggy so I wouldn't suggest you try to get intelligent conversation out of him," Chilton said before he left.

_"Crap. I owe the loan shark so much money. Guess I'll just have to kill him now."_

The group gathered around Magneto, who blinked at them for a moment before bestowing the group with a smile. The others took a step back. Magneto never smiled – not unless there was about to be a severe beating. Yet he did nothing. He simply smiled.

"What happened to you? You thought you were dead," Mystique asked.

Magneto continued to smile at them.

"You're freaking me out. Who are you and what did you do with Mags?" Pyro said.

"Yeah, and Chilton's been running the place with you out of commission," Forge added.

_"Did anyone else notice that Forge didn't say anything else all chapter?"_

"Shut up Wade."

_"My name is Deadpool! Can't you read?" _Deadpool cried out as he pointed to a giant sticker on his chest.

"So what are we going to do?"

Magneto grinned. "I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide."


	8. The Beginnings of a Plan

Thanks to the ever great Spiffythefaery

* * *

"When you are confronted with a person who simply makes your blood boil, what is the appropriate response?" Boles asked the gathered mutants.

Three hands immediately went into the air.

"Barbequing or any other variation of burning is not acceptable."

"Damn," Pyro said as he lowered his hand.

"Nor is any other form of killing."

The other hands dropped.

"You need to approach situations with a completely rational frame of mind. Do not let your emotions get the better of you. Internalize your feelings."

_"I have a question."_

Boles looked at Deadpool, motioning him to proceed.

_"If I don't like a person, why am I not allowed to put his head on a stick?"_

"Because there are much better things to do with heads," Sabretooth replied.

"Please don't tell me that it involves you eating them," Mystique said.

"Not always."

"People! If we could get back on topic," Boles pleaded.

He was completely ignored.

* * *

"So what's this master plan of yours?" Mystique asked. The group had gathered around the still bed-ridden Magneto, who was thoroughly enjoying the fact that he was able to skip therapy.

"It is finally time for us to end our torment."

"Huh?"

"We are going to escape from this godforsaken hellhole."

"How are we going to do that? You think Chilton is going to let us walk out of here?"

"We are going to dig a complex and massive tunnel that will allow us to separate underground and emerge at various points on the outside."

"You hit your head pretty hard if that's your plan."

"It will work!"

"How are we supposed to dig a complex tunnel?"

"Ah – there are precisely 5 steps to my plan. Step one is getting Forge's hand back."

_"I would like to veto this part of the plan."_

"You can't veto, only filibuster."

_"I can't even spell that. That's not fair." _

"Can we talk about how we're getting my hand back?"

"Here's the plan…"

* * *

"I don't understand," Chilton said.

"I can't make it any clearer – they've been model patients," Ratchet answered.

"Model? That is completely unlike them. What do they want?"

"Forge wants his hand back."

"Well that's not bloody likely."

Ratchet shrugged. "Certainly it has potential drawbacks – but if they're willing to behave it might be worth it."

Chilton leaned back in his chair. "Perhaps. On the other hand, they might be planning something."

"With Lehnsherr back, I wouldn't bet against it."

* * *

"Today we will be discussing how to disassemble your doomsday weapon."

"What if we don't have a doomsday weapon?" Pyro asked.

"Oh," Boles blinked. "Then I guess you can go…"

A trail of dust kicked up and when it parted, only Deadpool was left.

"You have a doomsday weapon?"

_"I AM a doomsday weapon." _

* * *

"Mr. Lehnsherr, you are late," Chilton said with a reproachful stare.

Magneto met the glare evenly as he sat down in the chair opposite Chilton. "I am never late. Nor am I early. I arrive precisely when I mean to." **1**

"We must discuss this latest request that you've made."

"We have behaved. If you wish for this to continue, you will return Forge's hand."

Chilton frowned. "Last time he had that contraption there were machines terrorizing my hospital."

"Yet, without it, far worse was unleashed."

Chilton crossed his arms defiantly. "You all must behave just as you have this past week. And he is not allowed to build any machines."

"No machines," Magneto agreed. "Do we have a deal?"

* * *

Forge paced in the group room.

"Would you stop that? He'll get your stupid hand back," Mystique chided.

Forge stopped and looked up. "Do you have any idea what its like to have a part of your body missing?"

"I've been happily parted with my brain for a long time. Good riddance I say," Ulysses chimed in.

Forge glared at the others. "I just want my hand back. Is that too much to ask?"

_"Yes."_

Forge sighed and sat down on a chair, head buried in his arm.

Sabretooth looked at him for a moment. "Can I put him out of his misery?"

"No," Mystique said. "We need his help to build the tunnel."

"Can I maim him out of his misery?"

"No."

"I never get to have any fun."

"You ripped all the feather pillows to shreds yesterday."

"Oh yeah. That was fun."

Pyro looked up at Forge, who was still hiding in his arm. "Don't worry Forge, boss never fails… except for the time he tried to kidnap the X-Men. Also, that time he tried to recruit Angel… and when he tried to stop Mesmero from getting the second key. There was also when we tried to stop Apocalypse from waking up, and…"

"That's enough Pyro," Mystique said.

Pyro grinned at the blue mutant. "Ok. Just trying to buck up his spirits."

Forge shot to his feet. "That's it! This is taking too long. I'm getting my hand back myself!"

He rushed out of the room.

* * *

"Where have you been?" Mystique demanded as Magneto entered the room.

"Getting this monstrous contraption back," he replied, holding up Forge's hand. He looked around for a moment before his eyes narrowed. "Where is Forge?"

"He thought you were taking too long so he went to get his hand back himself."

"You didn't stop him?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that wrestling crazed psychos to the ground was part of my job description."

"It was when you ran the Brotherhood and you did have a lifetime contract."

"I'm pretty sure it was voided when I tried to kill you."

"That sounds like a good way out."

_"Not to interrupt this lovely jaunt down memory lane, but shouldn't we be trying to stop the crazy hippy with the missing hand?"_

* * *

"He's holding someone hostage?" Chilton asked.

"Yes," Boles answered.

"How is he doing that?"

"What do you want from me? He's locked himself in a room with a nurse and he's refusing to let her go until he gets his hand back."

"Didn't you try to tell him that I gave Lehnsherr his hand already?"

"Ratchet tried but he thinks we're lying."

"Find Lehnsherr and bring him here immediately!"

"I'm already here," Magneto said as he entered the room.

Chilton glared at the mutant. "I thought you promised to keep your people in line."

"I was in here with you when this happened. I had nothing to do with it. But don't worry, I've already taken steps to bring the situation to a close."

* * *

_"Now this is how you take someone hostage!"_

Pyro laughed as he finished tying a gag around Forge's mouth. "He never expected us to come in through the window."

_"I still say we should have cut a hole in the ceiling, dropped smoke grenades, and repelled in."_

"How do you come up with that stuff?" Sabretooth asked as he threw the now bound and gagged Forge over his shoulder.

_"What can I say? It's a gift."_

Sabretooth chuckled. "Let's go runts."

* * *

Forge glared as he was unceremoniously thrown to the floor as the gag **was **ripped from his mouth. He turned to face Pyro. "You didn't have to hit me with a fire extinguisher."

"But I wanted to."

"I suppose you think that was terribly clever," Magneto growled.

"I had to get my hand back, and you were taking forever."

"I was gone for five minutes!"

"It felt like an eternity."

"You seriously jeopardized everything with your stupid little stunt. From now on, you will do exactly as I say."

"Just get me out of here."

"I will. Now start digging," Magneto said as he began to walk away.

"Where's my hand?"

There was a hum as Forge's hand shot towards his head. The metallic appendage collided with his temple and he tumbled backwards.

"That was uncalled for," Mystique said.

Magneto barely turned. "When he wakes up, make sure he starts digging. The sooner we get out of here the better."

* * *

**1- Yet another line from The Lord of the Rings. No doubt about it, Magneto seems to like quoting Ian McKellan.**


	9. A Tangled Web

As always, thanks to the great Spiffythefaery for all the work she puts into making my work infinitely better

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution. If I did, that would be sweet.

* * *

Magneto looked at the blueprint that Forge had made.

"So you want to make a series of interconnected tunnels?"

Forge nodded. "Yeah. I figure that way if anything happens we'll be covered."

"What could happen?"

"Who knows. Cave in, most likely. Speaking of which, we're going to need to some wood to shore up the tunnels."

"I'll take care of that. You worry about construction."

"Fine. I'm going to start digging underneath the shower. The tile floor will be easy to lift up and replace. Plus the drain system makes it easier to start digging."

"Isn't there concrete down there?"

Forge rolled his eyes. "There is a huge drill on my hand. You think concrete is going to stop me?"

"Fair point. It looks like you've got everything taken care of."

"Not everything, there's still one problem. We're going to be digging up a lot of dirt. We're going to need to store it somewhere."

"I'll have Pyro and Deadpool take care of that. That much dirt should amuse them."

"Alright. I'm going to get working," Forge rolled up the blueprint and headed off to drill. His place was quickly filled by Ulysses.

"What do you want?" Magneto demanded.

"I think I'm in love with Mystique." **1**

Magneto froze. "What?"

"I'm in love with Mystique."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"I was hoping you'd be able to give me advice."

"Why would I be able to give you advice?"

"You've known her longest."

"A fact which I'm not proud of," Magneto declared.

Ulysses gazed up, looking like a puppy trying to get people food. It was just the sort of look Wanda used to give before she had been locked away. "Please?"

"Go ask Sabretooth. He has experience with this sort of thing."

Ulysses beamed. "Thanks!" he said as he scurried off.

* * *

"What do you want?" Boles demanded.

"I want to make a phone call," Magneto replied.

"Why?"

"Pyro is running low on his medication. I'm the only one who knows where to get it."

"Medication?"

"It's a specialty depressant. It keeps his insanity in check. I invented it myself."

"Does this medicine have a name?"

"I call it Wood."

Boles pointed to the phone on his desk. "Fine. Make your call."

Magneto picked up the receiver and punched in some numbers.

"Excellent! You're just the one I was looking for. It's Magneto, I need you to get something for me."

There was a pause, and Magneto made a face. "Just shut up and listen to me. I don't care about your feelings. I want you to gather as much wood as you can."

…

"Wood. As much of it as you can."

…

"I don't care where you get it from. Use whoever you have to, but get it here by tomorrow. Understand?"

…

"Good."

* * *

Sabretooth sniffed at the food on his plate. It didn't look right. It didn't smell right. It didn't taste right.

He ate it anyway.

His doubts, however, were interrupted by Ulysses joining him. "Magneto told me to talk to you."

Sabretooth grunted. "What's he want me to do?"

"I dunno. I asked him a question and he told me to talk to you."

"Me? Well, if the Boss says I'll know the answer, then I'll know. Ask away!"

"How do I get Mystique to like me?"

Sabretooth blinked. "Mystique?"

"Yeah."

"You want to get Mystique to like you?"

"Yes."

Sabretooth's eye twitched and then he smirked, before suddenly the large man was doubled over in raucous laughter.

"Come on, I'm trying to get help."

"Listen, I don't know how to get Mystique to like you. I only did it when I was drunk."

"So you can't help me at all?"

"Sorry."

Ulysses left as Sabretooth turned his attention back to his food. As he ate, he couldn't help but wonder about the gnawing sensation in his stomach.

* * *

Xavier wheeled himself into his office, intending to bury himself in the mountains of paperwork he had left of his desk.

What he found was not what he expected.

"What on earth?" he muttered to himself. "Logan!"

Logan walked into the office, stopping in mid-step. "What the hell?"

"Where is my desk?"

"Where are your bookshelves?"

"Find them!"

* * *

"How's the dig going?"

"Pretty good. We're pretty far down already, but I'm going to have to shore up the tunnels soon. You'd better get that wood."

"It'll be here, don't worry about it. What have you been doing with the dirt?"

"Pyro and Deadpool have been taking care of it just like you said they would. I haven't seen a speck of it once it's been brought up."

"Excellent. You should go get some food and take a break."

* * *

"Professor!" Kitty shouted as she phased through the door.

"What's wrong?"

"The dinning room table is missing!"

"The table?"

"All the chairs too!"

"My mother's antique chairs are missing?"

"And the china!"

"The china? But that belonged to my grandmother. Why are people stealing my family heirlooms?"

"Don't worry Professor. I'm sure Mr. Logan will find them."

* * *

Sabretooth sat down next to Mystique in the group therapy room. "So, Ulysses asked me some questions about you."

"Blacken my name even further?"

"No. He wanted my advice."

Mystique raised an eyebrow. "Advice from you? About what? How best to consume road-kill?"

"I don't eat road-kill, you know that. I kill everything I eat."

"Then what did he want from you?"

"Advice on how best to hook up you."

"He asked the wrong person then."

"What are you talking about? I did an excellent job!"

"And the fact that I was tripping out on six kinds of drugs helped."

Sabretooth scowled. "If I turned on my charm, you'd be all over me."

"Not in a million years," Mystique chuckled as she left.

Sabretooth looked at her. "Not in a million years, eh? We'll see about that."

* * *

Mystique had been enjoying a nice, relaxing day. She really had. Naturally this meant it was all doomed to take an abrupt turn for the worse. She had retreated to the group therapy room, hoping to get a quick nap in before the session started when Ulysses sat down next to her.

"I got you these," he said. Mystique looked over at his offering, a few flowers that had clearly been recently uprooted.

"How….nice," she replied drolly.

"I was thinking that we should do something sometime."

"Do something? We're locked up in an institution, what could we possibly do?"

"Have dinner?"

Mystique sighed. This was going to be difficult. "No."

"Why not?"

"Among many other reasons, Pyro and Deadpool have been sneaking the dirt into the cafeteria food."

"Well, could we do something else?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't like you."

Ulysses nodded sadly.

"Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I got the message. I need to do a better job of giving you things. I'll be right back!" Undeterred, he leapt to his feet and ran out of the room.

Mystique stared at the door, confused. Her contemplation was short lived as Sabretooth entered.

"So, you shot him down?"

"I thought I did. I'm not sure he got the message."

Sabretooth chuckled as he sat down next to her. "Well, I can't say I blame the guy."

Mystique's eyebrow shot up. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, you are pretty amazing. I've never met any one who is so ruthless and efficient at killing people with your bare hands."

"Aw. That's sweet of you to say so. Be sure to tell that to Deadpool."

"And I love the way that your skin reflects the moonlight."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Me?" Sabretooth gave a toothy grin. "Just telling you how amazing you are."

"You're hitting on me? Where's a barf bag?"

"And you're funny! I love that about you."

Mystique glared. "Listen Hairball, it's never going to happen. I don't like you. I never liked you. I loathe you. I would rather have hot coals shoved into my eyes than ever be with you."

"Now you're just denying your feelings," Sabretooth said, leaning in to put his arm around her. Before Mystique could move however, the door opened and Ulysses walked in.

"I've got magazines, a pack of cigarettes, some gummi worms, a pad of paper, a prescription for eye-drops, and a lab coat that no one wanted…" Ulysses trailed off. "What's going on in here?"

"The lady and I are getting comfortable. If you don't mind," Sabretooth waved dismissively.

"Get away from my girl!" Ulysses growled.

"Your girl? She's my girl."

"I am going to kill both of you!" Mystique screeched. Sabretooth laughed as he let go of her and stood up.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of this runt."

Ulysses didn't say anything. He merely lowered his head and rammed himself into Sabretooth's stomach with a surprising amount of force. The two men began wrestling as Mystique picked up the discarded coat and advanced on the two.

* * *

Hank burst into Xavier's office. "Good news!"

"Logan found out who's been stealing all the wood? And my family heirlooms?"

"No. But I did figure out who put vinegar into all of Logan's beer."

Xavier frowned. "Someone put vinegar in Logan's beer? When did this happen?"

Hank grinned. "I just did it! That'll teach him for saying that I'm a girlie-man."

"Henry, why did you do that? You know what happens when Logan can't drink."

"I do. That's why I also spiked his beers with enough sedatives to take down an elephant."

* * *

Magneto walked into the group therapy room and was confronted by a bizarre sight. Sabretooth and Ulysses were tied to a chair by a lab coat with myriad bruises and cuts as Mystique quietly glared at them.

"What happened here?" Magneto asked the shape-shifter.

"These two idiots decided that they were going to fight over me. So I had to teach them both a lesson."

"I guessed that. I was asking about those," he said pointing at the dirt replicas of Deadpool and Pyro.

Mystique shrugged. "They didn't want to go to therapy today. I don't think Boles will notice the difference."

* * *

"Excellent," Magneto declared. "This should be more than enough wood."

Bobby grinned. "Well, we did have to strip the entire mansion to get it all. We even got Jamie and his clones to help."

"You stripped the entire mansion?"

"Yeah. Kurt even figured out how to get the Professor's desk and bookshelves out."

"Good job."

"Danke," Kurt said with a wolfish grin. "So what do you want all this wood for anyway?"

"The less you two know, the better. I don't want Charles finding out what's going on. Speaking of which, how on earth are you two not grounded right now?"

"Oh – we set up a couple of fall guys. Logan should be tracking them down any moment now."

* * *

Lance looked at the countless dishes stacked behind the door. "Pietro, did we get really plastered and steal dishes?"

"We have dishes? I've been eating off of paper plates!"

"Do you have any idea where these came from?"

Pietro shrugged.

The two spent a few moments trying to figure out this new occurrence. Their solitude was broken when the door was thrown open as Logan burst ferociously into the room. Lance was taken aback as a tremor shook the house. The china dishes quickly shattered into innumerable pieces.

"I got you now! I was going to let you get away with stealing the dishes. I was only going to turn you in for stealing all the tables and desks in the mansion, but no, you had to mess with my beer!"

He lunged at the boys, grabbing each one by the collars of their shirts. Pietro voiced the thought that was simultaneously running through Lance's mind. "Crap."

* * *

**1 –Chevy hick's idea. Too funny to pass up**


	10. The Plan

Many thanks to the wonderful Spiffythefaery.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or any of the characters therein.

* * *

            "If Pyro and Deadpool would stop fooling around, we could get started," Magneto growled.

            The two mutants looked up from their self-proclaimed "Greatest, Most Epic Thumb War Ever!"

            "Thank you. Now that I have your undivided attention, please look at this," he said, hitting a large map with a small plastic pointer.

            "What is that?" Sabretooth asked

            "This is a map of the compound. You will notice that there is a large cement wall enclosing the entire area. It is too high to leap. It is constructed out of solid concrete. It can not be scaled. It can not be demolished."

            "And you can't fly over it?" Mystique asked.

           "Flying would be a potential solution. Except for these," Magneto pointed to several large boxes along the outer wall. "There are guard towers at set intervals. These towers are armed with long barreled sniper rifles, loaded with massive sedative darts. The darts are capable of piercing an elephant's hide which means flying is out of the question."

            "_So this is why Forge has been digging a massive tunnel for the past couple of weeks." _

            "Yeah, with no help from you," the inventor snapped.

            _"Hey! I was hiding all the dirt you dug up. Do you have any idea how much dirt there was? Do you know what I had to do to make all that dirt stay hidden?"_

            "You passed most of it off in the cafeteria," Forge replied.

            "Slipped some of it into the prescription bottles."

            "Sold some of it to the cocaine rehabbers."

            "Made a sculpture garden out of dirt."

            _"Shut up! The lot of you!."_

"Back to the topic at hand!" Magneto demanded and silence descended. "Forge has expertly dug a tunnel for us. This tunnel is complicated and has many twists and turns, as can be seen here," he flipped the page to show a diagram.

            "You will all memorize this. You can't afford to get lost under there. You probably won't make it out."

            _"I could. I learned how to speak to moles as a young child."_

"You are the weirdest person I have ever met," Mystique said. "And I lived with the Brotherhood."

            "The issue for the moment is what to do when we escape. According to Forge, there are three exits outside the compound. We will not be exiting simultaneously and we need to have disguises and proper documentation ready for when we escape. I have no doubt that Chilton will immediately attempt to round us up.

            "I want you all to spend the day thinking of a cover story. You will run them by me before they are finalized. Forge and Mystique will take care of making the documents. The rest of you will gather the materials necessary for proper disguises, so, once on the outside, we may seamlessly blend in.

            "If there are no questions, you are all dismissed."

            Ulysses was in the group room, trying to figure out a disguise that he could use for the escape. His pondering was interrupted by the arrival of Pyro and Deadpool.

            He cast a baleful glance at the duo. "What do you want?"

            "Do we need a reason for coming in here?" Pyro protested, albeit with a sheepish grin.

            Ulysses shrugged. "Guess not. Do you guys have disguises yet?"

            Pyro shook his head. "Nah, Boss shot our ideas down."

            _"It could have worked! We totally could have pulled off being a singing family forced to flee across the __Alps__!" _**1**

"Seriously?" Ulysses asked as Pyro nudged Deadpool in the ribs.

            "I told you it was a dumb idea."

            _"Oh yeah, because your idea of having us dress up as nuns was better."_

"I stand by that! No one would have bothered messing with the clergy!" **2  **

            Ulysses sighed. "I'm trying to think of an acceptable idea, would you leave?"

            "Actually, we did have a reason for coming in."

            "What?"

            "Well, we noticed that everyone in this group is supposed to be a mutant. So what exactly can you do?"

            Ulysses paused. "Do?"

            _"Your mutant powers, moron. What fantastically awesome stuff can you do?"_

"I don't know."

            "What do you mean you don't know?"

            "I don't know."

            _"How could you not know?"_

"Never tried to figure it out before."

            _"That's not right. Only Wolverine is allowed to have an ill-defined past with fuzzy memories. Everyone else has to have a clear and well established back-story, including full knowledge of their mutant powers! So, we're going to help you figure it out now!"_

            "That is quite possibly the dumbest idea I've ever heard."

            Sabretooth pouted. "I thought it was a good idea."

            "Just because you have an affinity for clowns does not mean we could pass as a traveling circus."

            "But you could be the ringmaster."

            "I already am, but we couldn't create a passable setup in time. Besides, even if we could, don't you think that a random circus with only seven people would seem suspicious?"

            "Oh."

            "Go away."

            "Let's start with the basic level powers. Do you have heightened senses?"

            "How would I know?"

            "Then no. How about a healing factor?"

            "Not sure."

            _"Then we'll have to test it. Hold still. This is going to hurt. A lot," _Deadpool said as he advanced on Ulysses holding two large knives.

            "Why do I have to make the fake documents and the costumes?" Forge protested.

            "Why do you think?"

            "Because you hate me?"

            "Even though I do, that is not the reason," Magneto replied. "You can make anything you think of. So of our motley crew, who else would be able to make passable documents and costumes?"

             "Mystique?"

            "If she finds out you suggested she do menial chores, she'll remove your kidneys."

            "Well, I'm not going to make them until you're nice to me."

            "You're going to make them and you're going to do it now!"

            "Or what?"

            Magneto sighed as a metallic hum filled the room. Forge's metal arm rose into the air, bringing the rest of him along for the ride. Which happened to be a short one because it was promptly hurled into a wall.

            "So definitely no healing factor," Pyro remarked.

            "Now what?" the heavily bandaged Ulysses asked.

            "Telekinetic. After that: superspeed, teleportation, enhanced strength, and my personal favorite pyrokinesis!"

            "This is going to be a long day."

            "Here."

            Magneto looked up at Forge. "What are these?"

            "Fake documents for everyone."

            Magneto took the papers and shuffled through them. "I don't recall giving you these cover stories."

            "I made some of them up."

            "Why is my alias Baron Riesiger Scheissekopf?" **3**

"I felt it described you well. And I already made the costume. Lederhosen!"

            "The only reason you're still alive at this moment is because no one else could fix your mistake."

            "Don't take it so harshly. I made Mystique a porn star."

            "You do realize that she will actually kill you?"

            Forge shrugged. "I'll take my chances."

            Magneto frowned. "Give Mystique and Sabretooth their papers and disguises. I'll deal with the others."

            Magneto walked into the group therapy room to see Ulysses, Pyro, and Deadpool jubilantly shouting and jumping around.

            "What are you idiots doing?"

            "We've just figured out what Ulysses' mutant power is!" Pyro said.

            "Oh?"

            "Yeah! We figured that since he's in therapy with us he must be a mutant too. But we couldn't figure out what his power was for the longest time but we finally figured it out."

            "And it is?"

            "I'm telepathic!" Ulysses proudly declared.

            Magneto raised an eyebrow. "And how, exactly, did you discover that?"

            "I read their minds."

            "No. You simply happen to know what they were thinking because they have one track minds."

            _"I don't have a one track mind. I have an 8- track mind. It can play music."_

            "Besides, even if they have one track minds, what are the odds on me getting exactly what they were thinking?"

            Magneto sighed dramatically and he pinched his nose. "Because the three of you have no common sense."

            "You're just jealous."

            "Pyro's thinking of fire. Deadpool is thinking of killing people."

            "How'd you do that? Are you psychic too, Boss?"

            "What do you think?"

            _"How come everyone gets six powers now? Not only do you have cosmically powerful metal wielding powers but you also get to be a psychic? Not fair!"_

"I don't have psychic powers! You are all morons. Now here are your disguises and papers. We're meeting in an hour. Be there."

            Magneto turned and strode out of the room, hearing Pyro shout, "Can't you just implant the plan in our head?"

            "What do you want Mr. Grant?" Chilton asked through clenched teeth.

            Ulysses sat down across from the doctor. "Well, I had a question for you."

            "What?"

            "What are my powers?"

            Chilton blinked. "Powers?"

            "Yeah. My mutant powers. I mean, everyone else in the group is a mutant so I have to be one to. But I don't know what I can do."

            "If you don't know why do you think I would?"

            "Well, I imagine someone put it down on my file when I got checked in."

            Chilton glared at him for a brief moment before pulling a file from his desk drawer. He scanned it quickly before looking up. "I don't know."

            "What do you mean?"

            "According to your file, you have non-descriptive powers. But whatever you can do, it is incredibly destructive."

            "So I make stuff blow up?"

            Chilton frowned. "Why do you want to know what you can do anyway? Unlike the others, you have shown no interest in your powers. In fact, by virtue of that, you are the only one who doesn't use mutant powers as a crutch for other emotional issues. You're much more mentally stable because of it."

            Ulysses shrugged. "I was just wondering about it."

            "You shouldn't wonder about it. In fact, you should forget all about it."

            Mystique looked up as Ulysses entered the group room. "What did he say?"

            "Non-descript and very destructive."

            "Well, that's something to start with," she replied as Magneto walked into the filled group room. Everybody grew silent at his entrance.

            "By now, you all should have your identification papers and outfits for the escape. You'll have to store them in your pillow cases when we finally tunnel out of here," he said, turning to face the compound map.

            "There are three exits from the tunnel. Pyro, Deadpool, and Ulysses will emerge from the exit to the west, near the tree line. Sabretooth and Forge will exit from the east, near the lake. Since Mystique and I are best able to make a quick get away, we will exit to the south, near the empty field.

            "According to reports, there will be no moon tomorrow night and the darkness will provide us with cover. We will go over the final details later, but let there be no doubt, this is our last night here. We are going to escape!"

**1 - **from theSound of Music

**2 **– Spiffythefaery noted that nuns are not clergy. But I thought was funnier to have Pyro say that.

**3 –** German for "Enormous Shit Head." At least he's got a fancy title too.


	11. The Not So Great Escape

Thanks as always go to the great Spiffythefaery who henceforth will be known as Mel.

Disclaimer: X-Men: Evolution and its characters are the properties of Marvel.

* * *

Charles Xavier looked incredulously at the scene before him. "What inspired the students to riot?"

"Logan shouldn't have thrown the television out the window," Hank replied.

"Why?"

"There are times were I simply do not care to ask."

Silence descended momentarily.

"They tied Logan to a stake?"

"Bobby wants to set him on fire."

"That's the third time this week."

* * *

"I don't like my outfit," John declared. Bright red suspenders held up a pair of jeans that had its hems rolled up. Thick black glasses were perched on his nose.

"Too bad," Forge, who was wearing a shirt with red and white horizontal stripes, replied.

_"I think mine is rather fetching."_

"You're wearing what you always wear."

_"And it's fetching."_

"At least you don't have to wear spandex," Ulysses complained as he struggled to fit into his outfit.

Pyro looked at Ulysses and scratched his head. Turning to face Deadpool, he whispered "Does Ulysses look bluer than normal?"

The assassin cocked his head. _"I'd say it's more azure."_

"Shade aside – he used to be more peachy toned."

_"I always though he was a little pale…" _Deadpool was cutoff by an explosion rocking the room. Whirling to look at the source of the noise, the two mutants saw the black, smoking remains of a set of chairs. Making eye contact with each other, the two looked over at Ulysses, whose arm was outstretched in his continuing fight with his costume.

"Oops?"

* * *

"Did everyone memorize their tunnel?"

A chorus of yeses answered Magneto's question.

"Since this will be the last time we are together as a group before we break out, are there any questions?"

"What's the secret password to get by the three headed skunk that guards the tunnel?" Pyro asked.

Magneto rolled his eyes. "Mystique, Pyro's broken again. If you wouldn't mind..."

Mystique reached out and smacked the fire wielding lunatic upside the head. Pyro went cross-eyed for a moment.

"I'm a heffalump."

Mystique looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Close enough."

"Any other questions?"

Sabretooth raised his hand. "Can we take a hostage?"

"Why would we take a hostage?"

"Habit?"

"We're escaping. There is no need for a hostage."

"Then what am I supposed to maim?"

Magneto sighed. "Once we escape, we'll be free to do whatever we want. You can maim whatever and whomever you want then."

Sabretooth pondered this statement for a moment. "Dibs on the hippie!"

"Hey!" Forge protested.

"That's what you get for making me wear a ponytail."

"Does anyone else have an inane question?"

_"If a tree falls in the forest and hits a mime – does anyone care?"_ **1**

* * *

Xavier wheeled into the kitchen. Kurt was standing at the sliding glass door, laughing and waving. Outside, Scott was futilely attempting to open the door.

"Kurt locked the door?" Xavier asked Ororo, who was watching from the table.

"Yup."

"And Scott can't get back in?"

"Nope. He tried yelling for a while but he gave up on that."

"And he hasn't tried to use another entrance?"

"Hasn't occurred to him yet, I suppose."

"Some times I can't imagine how they managed to stop Apocalypse," he said, shaking his head mournfully.

Ororo shrugged. "Law of large numbers. At some point, they'd have to get one mission right."

* * *

"Pyro! Get into the tunnel!"

"But I don't want to."

"Get into the tunnel before I ram you into it with a cattle prod!"

_"You have a cattle prod on you? Why wasn't I notified?"_

"Shut up! Get in there!"

"I can't!" Pyro whined.

"What's the hold up?" Mystique shouted as her head popped out of the tunnel. "Forge and Sabretooth have already headed off. Ulysses and I are waiting for some company."

"Pyro won't get in!" Magneto returned.

Mystique glared at Australian. "Get in Pyro!"

"But I don't want to."

Mystique turned to look at Magneto. "He doesn't want to go. Leave him behind."

"Ordinarily I'd agree with you. But if we all disappear except for Pyro, they'll question him. We all know that Pyro can't keep a secret."

"But if I go into the tunnel, I could die!" Pyro said.

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"Just hurry up," Mystique hissed before ducking back into the tunnel.

"We don't have time for this Pyro."

"But it's so dark down there. I'm scared of the dark."

"Deadpool – get him down there."

_"Yes sir!" _Deadpool reached into his belt and pulled out a small silver square. _"Hey Pyro, look what I got!"_

Pyro's eyes went wide. "Is that a lighter? Ooo – give it to me. Give it to me!"

Deadpool waved the lighter in front of Pyro's face. _"Who wants the lighter! Who wants the lighter? Does Pyro want it? Huh? Does Pyro want it?"_

"I just said I did! Give me, give me, give me!"

_"Go fetch!" _Deadpool threw the lighter down the tunnel. Pyro, without hesitation, leapt into the air, twisted in mid-flight, and drove right down the tunnel. A moment later there was a loud crash as Mystique's voice echoed back.

"PYRO!"

* * *

Xavier gave a stern look to the teens sitting across from him. "While I appreciate the sentiment, what was done was not amusing at all. Now, who did it?"

No one spoke up. Xavier sighed deeply. "I can either punish the person responsible or I can punish everyone. Again, who did it?"

"I swear on Kurt's life that it wasn't me," Bobby said.

"Hey!" Kurt protested.

"Just own up Ice-Cube," Rogue growled.

"But I didn't do it!"

"Do you know who did, Robert?"

"No clue."

"Does anyone in this room know who signed me up for Hair Club for Men?"

* * *

"Would you move faster?" Forge said as he crawled along the tunnel.

"I'm going as fast as I can. You didn't make it large enough for me to crawl through," Sabretooth replied.

"I did the best I could."

"You're supposed to be able to invent anything you think of. You couldn't think of a hole large enough to fit me?"

"Even if I think of something, I still need the tools to do the job properly."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Just lose some weight and hurry up. I'm tired of staring at your rear."

* * *

"Echo!" Pyro called out down the tunnel, taking great delight at hearing the reverberations.

_"If you don't stop doing that, I'm going to stab you with my swords."_

"You don't have any swords."

_"Then I'll make a note to stab you when we get out of here. I'll go buy swords and then come back and stab you."_

"That's a lot of effort."

_"It'll be worth it."_

"Guys – I feel like I'm having a flashback here," Ulysses said.

"Flashback? Of what?"

"I'm not sure. I think it was about Egypt."

_"Why are you having flashbacks of Egypt?"_

"No idea. I've never been there."

_"Well – that was a fun mystery. Can we please get out of here?"_

"Wait a second. Ulysses is turning blue, blowing stuff up, and having flashbacks to Egypt? Maybe he's turning into Apocalypse. Hahaha!" Pyro cackled.

"Maybe I am Apocalypse," Ulysses said quietly.

There was a heavy silence as the three escapees exchanged curious looks for a few moments.

Then the three simultaneously declared: "Nah!"

* * *

"I can't see anything down here," Mystique muttered as she slowly crawled forward.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Magneto replied.

Craning her head to look behind her, Mystique sent an unseen glare. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You're a smart girl. Figure it out."

"I didn't design this stupid dress."

"Yet another thing for Forge to be punished for when we get out of here."

"You're actually going to see Forge? I thought that you'd avoid him like the plague."

"I have no intention of seeing him again, but with my luck, I'm going to run into him eventually. This way, I'll be able to make sure that the meeting isn't unpleasant for me."

"It'll be unpleasant for him."

"Watch how I don't care about that. Now would you get moving? I'm tired of this sight in front of me."

"Oh, quit complaining. It's not like you can see anything anyway."

"The thought of it is just as unpleasant."

* * *

"You didn't finish digging the tunnel?" Sabretooth bellowed.

"I couldn't just finish the tunnel and then come back. There's only a couple of more feet to go. We finish digging and then we're free men."

"We don't have any tools."

"I gave them to the others. Use your hands."

"My hands?" Sabretooth asked, aghast at the suggestion.

"Yeah. I mean you use those things for picking up road kill – this is an improvement."

"What I do with my hands is art. Would you have Van Gogh use his paint brushes to tie his shoes?"

"That makes no sense."

"Yes it does!"

"We're not going to get out of here until you start digging, Sabretooth."

"Fine," the monstrous man grumbled as he began digging.

"I have to admit, I'm surprised you know who Van Gogh is."

Sabretooth shrugged. "I was the person who convinced him to cut off the ear. Didn't realize he didn't have a healing factor."

* * *

_"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go!"_ Deadpool sang as he thrust his pick into the soil.

"You call me the annoying one?" Pyro asked as he brushed some dirt off his shoulder.

_"Yes. Yes I do. I have talent – you're just a pain."_

"You have talent alright – talent at being a pain."

Deadpool whirled around to hit Ulysses in the head with his pick. The man tumbled to the floor, groaning.

_"That's what you get for talking back!"_

Pyro looked down for a moment. "Actually, I said that."

Deadpool paused. _"Then let that be a lesson to you! Now – back to digging."_

* * *

"For the first time, I find your powers to be useful," Mystique said as she saw floating

picks and shovels tirelessly working at the ground in front of her.

"I would like for you to be quiet, for the first time since I met you."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that Kitty talks less than you do. I'm trying to concentrate."

"Ohhhh – far be it for me to distract the great Master of Mag – OW!"

"Sorry – that pick slipped."

"Not into my leg with the pointy side, it didn't. That was on purpose!"

Magneto pointed his flashlight at his companion's face. "If you'd rather do the digging, be my guest."

Mystique muttered to herself briefly. "No."

"Then be silent."

* * *

"Since none of you are going to cooperate with me, I will be forced to take drastic measures," Xavier said.

"What measures?"

"Excellent question Scott. You will all be submitted to telepathic probing until I find the guilty party."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't do probing," Bobby replied.

"I'm afraid that you have no choice in the matter Robert. I'm starting with you."

* * *

Sabretooth paused in his digging.

"Why are you stopping?" Forge demanded. "Only another foot and we're free."

"Do you smell that?"

Forge closed his eyes and inhaled. Although he didn't have any heightened senses, he could detect a scent that had not been there before - a smell that he had longed for since entering the tunnel.

"It's the outside! It's fresh air. It's freedom!"

"What about the burly orderlies?"

"Orderlies? What orderlies?"

"I can smell 'em. They're standing right above us."

"Right above us? We don't have that much air – we have to get out."

"We're gonna have to wait. Otherwise, it'll be a no go."

Forge nodded and the two sat down for a long wait. A steady trickle of dust began falling on their heads. Looking up, they saw that the tunnel had been completed, with half a dozen orderlies standing outside.

"Busted."

* * *

"Here we go!" Pyro said as he knocked the last of the dirt away, exposing the clear night sky.

"It's so pretty," Ulysses whispered. The three stared in silence for a moment, admiring the night. Their solace was interrupted when Ratchet's head appeared in the hole.

_"Ahh. Quick, protect me with your bodies!" _**2**

"Where do you think you're going?" Ratchet spat.

"We felt like taking a nighttime stroll," Pyro replied. "You know, we wanted some fresh air."

"I'm afraid that you're not permitted to leave until you've been cleared by the doctors."

_"I'm not going back."_

"Not your decision Mr. Wilson," Ratchet said as a dozen men appeared in view.

* * *

Chilton frowned as Magneto was brought to his feet. "You should have known better Mr. Lehnsherr. You, and the rest of your companions, have been apprehended during your foolish escape attempt. All of them, save for Ms. Darkholme. Where is she?"

Magneto shrugged silently. Chilton glared.

"You will tell me! By force if necessary."

Magneto remained silent. Chilton sighed.

"I see. You'd prefer to make this unnecessarily difficult. Very well – loosen his tongue."

After a few punches to his body and face, Magneto groaned.

"Do you have something to say now? Tell me, where is Ms. Darkholme?"

"She stayed behind. In case we were caught, she was going to slip out the front door."

Chilton blanched. "She's just as bad as you are. We have to stop her. Everyone, quickly, back to the hospital!"

* * *

"Don't you think you've gone a bit overboard Charles?" Hank asked.

"Want me to check what you know?" Xavier replied.

"No, no, no. I'm just saying that you probably didn't need to check every single memory of all the students to see who did it."

"… and give them all a sudden fear of alopecia!" Xavier grumbled.

"Why?"

"So they'll fear me as much as Logan."

"Why would you want that?"

"Since they don't respect me, I'm going to make them fear me."

"You sound awfully like Erik at the moment."

"Well, maybe he was on to something."

"You can't possibly mean that."

"I just might," Xavier snarled.

"Charles…" Hank was interrupted by a soft tapping on the study's window. Magneto was standing on the ledge, gently drumming on the glass with a finger.

"What on earth is he doing here?" Xavier hissed. Hank shrugged and opened the window only to have Magneto stumble inside.

"What are you doing here Erik? Why aren't you in rehab?" Xavier asked.

"I escaped."

"How on earth did you escape?"

"Let's worry about the details later, Charles. I was the only one who managed to get out. The others were caught and brought back there. I sent Mystique back, looking like me."

"You broke out of an institution that was meant to help you cope with life. You convinced the other patients, patients who desperately need to be helped, to escape with you and once you were successful you came here. Why?"

"I need your help."

"My help? For what?"

"I won't let the others stay there. I have to go back and get them. We need to break back in!"

Hank looked aghast. "Great Scott!" **3**

**

* * *

1 – **A poignant question asked in by Gary Larsen in _The_ _Farside _

**2 – **Deadpool actually says this in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance

**3 – **Doc Brown, from _Back to the Future_


	12. Breaking In

Thanks as always goes to my beta, Mel.

Thanks for reading this story. Hope it was fun.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or any of its characters.

* * *

"No. No. No. Absolutely not," Xavier admonished.

"Why not?" Magneto asked.

"You were sent to that facility for a specific purpose. You are not mentally healthy. You are simply unable to adapt to the world without resorting to your base desires. Leaving there before the doctors deemed you fit means that you are still ill-equipped for the world at large. I will not condone your behavior by helping you liberate people who are in the same state as you are. Nor will I tolerate your presence here."

"What exactly are you saying?"

"You are going back."

Magneto pulled his head back in disgust. "You wouldn't dare."

"Do not try me. I have had enough rebellious behavior for one day. You will be going back."

"I am going to liberate those who were held with me. That is the _only_ reason I will be returning."

"Perhaps the time you spent running roughshod over your collective teams has warped your perspective of reality; you are going back. Furthermore, I must also say that from what Dr. Chilton has told me about your behavior I am in no way convinced that you can remain out of therapy."

"Charles –"

"No Erik! Your example has rubbed off enough on my students. I will tolerate this no longer."

"Charles Francis Xavier, do not take me for one of your students! I do not answer to you and I will not abide by your presumption of ordering me around. You have only two options at this point in time: either help me in this noble cause or get out of my way."

"Then I only have one option…"

There was a loud hum as Xavier's wheelchair began to liquefy. The metal rose into the air, wrapping around the Professor's hands and head, leaving only his nose exposed. Muffled cries were heard as the wheelchair rolled backward into the wall. Magneto glared at Hank.

"Do you have anything to say to me?"

"Nothing whatsoever."

"A very wise choice. Gather the X-Men immediately."

* * *

"Isn't it a little late for this?" Rogue asked the rest of the X-Men.

"I'm sure that the Professor had a good reason for it," Jean replied. The team had gathered together in the staging area, huddled around the massive computer.

"Where are the teachers?"

"Probably with the Professor," Scott said. "Although, it is odd that we would gather without any warning."

"Emergencies happen. Nothing we can do about it," Bobby said while he stifled a giant yawn.

The door slid open and Logan and Ororo walked in. "Any idea what's got Chuck so worked up?"

Scott frowned. "We were hoping that you would know."

"I haven't heard from the Professor. In fact, Hank was the one who notified me of this session," Ororo commented. Logan nodded gruffly to indicate that the same had happened to him.

"The Professor didn't contact you at all? Not even telepathically?" Scott asked. Two head shakes answered his question.

"This is exceedingly peculiar behavior for Charles," Ororo stated.

The door slid open again as Hank walked into the room. He was greeted by a flurry of questions. He held up his hands.

"Please calm down. I'm afraid I can only answer one question at a time."

"What are we doing down here Furball?" Logan growled.

"This meeting is of the utmost importance Logan, I assure you."

"Where's the Professor?" Scott inquired.

"He will not be joining us."

"So he wanted us to gather down here in the middle of the night and he's not going to bother to join us?"

"The Professor did not order this gathering."

"What? Then who did?"

"I did."

The X-Men turned to see Magneto standing in the doorway, dressed in his full battle gear.

"What are you doing here?" Scott spat.

Magneto turned to look at the goggled mutant, his eyes glowing in the shadows of his helmet. "I have left that accursed prison that I was confined to. While I was able to escape those horrors, there are others who were not so fortunate. We will be going back there to free my captive brethren."

"What makes you think you can just order us around? Where's the Professor?"

"Charles is indisposed at the moment. As such, I am in command of the mansion and the team. You will do what I say or I will make you personally experience why the New Mutants quiver at the very sound of my name."

"What? We're not taking orders from you," Scott said.

"I'm afraid that you have no choice in the matter, Cyclops."

"What are you talking about? We don't have to listen to you – do we Logan?"

"Actually, we do."

"What?"

"After Apocalypse, when Mags moved in, Chuck changed the standing orders so that if anything happened to him, Buckethead is in charge."

"What? He's in charge? Not you? Not Storm? Not Hank? Not ME?"

"Afraid not. He's in charge."

"Why can't you just get the Brotherhood to do this?"

"Even though I would have absolutely no difficulty in reciting a laundry list of reasons, it would ultimately boil down to competency and their astonishing deficiency in it. Now if we have exhausted these mutinous questions, let's get down to business."

* * *

"Wait a second. You're saying that Mystique is the only one of us who managed to actually get away?" Forge whined. "What a gyp."

"What I want to know is how she got away when you got caught?" Ulysses asked.

"She waited behind in the tunnel until Chilton took me away," Magneto answered as he cast a brief glance towards the orderlies silently guarding the door. For the briefest of moments, his eyes flashed yellow.

"She escaped while we rot here? That's not fair! I'm sure she's frolicking her way across the country while we're surrounded by Chilton's gargoyles," John lamented.

"I am sure that she is not gallivanting anywhere but working arduously to assure our freedom," Magneto said as his eyes flashed dangerously.

_"Good riddance I say. We don't need that harlot around here. We'll get along much better with out her."_

"I'm sure you don't mean that," Magneto said with a glare.

Deadpool ignored the look. _"Of course I do."_

_

* * *

  
_

"I understand what you want to do and I sympathize, I really do, but I'm not helping Creed escape from anything," Logan said.

Magneto sighed. "It's a television show. Get over it."

"This has nothing to do with _that_. I can't help Creed on general principles, like how you can't help Pietro."

"The two situations are in no way similar Logan. You're going to help get all of them out, regardless of your personal feelings on the matter."

"Or what?"

"I'll magnetize your skeleton so that you can never get anywhere near a can of beer ever again."

"Canned beer tastes better than the rest! Why are you so mean?"

"I'm a super-villain."

"Oh. Right."

Magneto crooked his eyebrow. "Anything else you want to ask?"

"Yeah – isn't going back to rescuing everyone awfully sentimental for you? Did you grow a heart in rehab?"

"Of course not. I can not enjoy a full victory over Chilton until I manage to steal all of his patients away from him without him being able to cure them."

"This whole thing has been some sort of sick, twisted game of revenge?"

"What else would it be?"

* * *

"You want us to stage a massive break-in to the mental facility?"

"Crudely described Cyclops, but accurate."

"How do you want us to carry out this foolish exercise?"

Magneto cast a cold glare at the team's field leader. "You seem unenthusiastic about this endeavor."

"Unenthusiastic? Not in the least, I've always wanted to stage a massive breakout of criminally unbalanced sociopaths."

Magneto cocked his head in thought. "I can't argue with that, especially when describing Forge. There's something wrong with that man."

"What's your problem with Forge? He's a perfectly nice guy."

"He's a hippy."

"You're going to sum up the entire spectrum of your dislike for him with three words?"

"I can sum up my dislike for Mystique in two."

"Back to your crazy plan," Scott said with a gesture towards a blueprint of the facility.

"Of course. I would like for you to lead the X-Men in the front causing as much destruction and explosions as possible. This should cause Chilton and Rachet to focus their attentions there; also this should bring the orderlies up. During this distraction, I will enter the rear with Shadowcat where we will liberate the rest of the patients."

"If we do this lots of innocent people will get hurt."

"So?"

"Look, I was willing to let you send the team on some foolish errand but I'm not going to cooperate when you're trying to hurt people."

"I'm not going to try. I'm going to succeed."

"I'm not going to let you do it."

Magneto's eyes narrowed dangerously. "There's no way you will stop me."

"The X-Men will stop you."

Magneto crossed his arms defiantly as Logan and Ororo entered. "You forget yourself Cyclops."

"What's going on here?" Logan asked.

"Young Cyclops is showing a streak of insubordination."

"I won't let you use the team to hurt people."

"Psychiatrists aren't people!"

"I won't!"

"Scott," Ororo began, her voice carrying a warning. She was cut off by Magento.

"Since you are unwilling to cooperate, I believe you are no longer fit to lead the X-Men. Consider yourself removed from command and off the team."

"What? You can't do that!"

"I can and did. Join the New Mutants for their training session."

"I have to train with the New Mutants?"

"Ororo – please take Cyclops to his new team."

"If Scooter's off the team, who's in command?" Logan asked.

"I believe that Nightcrawler would excel as field leader." **1**

"Kurt? You can't be serious!" Cyclops whined.

"He'll do rather well. Now, if you don't mind, this is a strategy session for X-Men only."

"Argh! Fine! I'm leaving!" Cyclops shouted as he stormed out.

Magneto watched him leave. "He must have been a pain when he hit puberty."

"Why do you think I left here to travel around up north for a few years?" Logan replied. **2**

**

* * *

  
**

"What happened to you?" Forge asked John when the latter walked into the room holding a hand over his eye.

"Research."

"Research? What could you possibly be researching?"

"Sabretooth said that he smells Mystique around here. I'm trying to find her."

"How does that explain why you're holding your face like that?"

"Well, thanks to a crack piece of advice from Deadpool, I figured that Mystique was simply posing as someone else. The question is who."

"Please don't tell me that you went around asking everyone if they were Mystique."

"No," John spat, waving his hands in the air. "I'm not that stupid!"

"This leads to you having a black eye how?"

"I _may_ have made an inappropriate comment to one of the guards in order to tell if he was Mystique. It hurts quite a bit."

"What did you learn?"

"Don't talk dirty to a 300 pound man in order to discover if he's really a shape-shifting woman in disguise?"

"No."

"Sabretooth's sense of smell isn't as good as he claims it is?"

"Try again."

"I should have had Ulysses ask for me?"

"One more time."

John tapped his chin in thought as he pondered the question. "Nope, I'm out of ideas." John turned and walked away, humming. Forge stared after him in amazement.

* * *

"How are you planning on getting everyone out of the facility?" Ororo asked.

"There's a multi-million dollar helicopter in the basement."

"We're just going to fly it in unnoticed?"

"I'm sure that some people will be aware of the helicopter. With the chaos up front though, there shouldn't be enough to cause problems," Magneto replied.

Ororo looked at the spread out blueprints. "What about a need for moving quickly or defending yourself? Kitty can only take so many people at a time and with a plastic helicopter around, there isn't much for you to use."

"You're right. Who should I take with me? Logan is obviously unfit since Sabretooth will be there. Likewise with Rogue, due to her feelings towards Mystique. Kurt is needed up front. Hank is only good if he can get his hands on someone. Bobby would simply be too unpredictable, especially with Pyro and Deadpool already there. That leaves either you or Jean. Do you want to volunteer?"

"I probably should go with you, if only to make sure that Forge makes it out alive."

Magneto cast a sideways glance at the weather witch. "You say that like it would be a tragedy."

"You are exceedingly mean to him."

"If it makes you feel better, I'm exceedingly mean to Colossus."

"Why would that make me feel better?"

Magneto shrugged. "It used to work with making Wanda happier when I did the same to someone else."

* * *

"If Mystique is going to rescue us, she's taking her sweet time," Ulysses moaned into his bowl of Jell-O.

"I'm telling you that she's still lurking around here. I can smell her," Sabretooth replied as he gnashed on his food.

"If your nose is so good then how come you can't track her down?"

"Who says I can't track her?"

"Everyone. You've been making this claim for a while but have neglected to do anything about it. I bet Logan could have found her."

Sabretooth rose to his feet. "How dare you, you little blue pimple! I'm ten times better than that wimp!"

Ulysses smirked. "Prove it."

"I will," Sabretooth huffed as he marched off.

* * *

"This is the final plan: Nightcrawler will lead the team in through the front, and Storm and Shadowcat will accompany me in the Velocity while we land in the back during the distraction. This is an incredibly time sensitive mission – everything must go off without a hitch."

"What's the window?" Logan asked.

"The assault team will leave here in fifteen minutes. The helicopter will be arriving at the facility in exactly one hour. The assault must begin no more than ten minutes prior to that and no less than eight."

"You're not exactly giving us a lot of time Mags," Logan growled. Magneto flinched at the nickname.

"Timing is essential Logan. If Chilton is able to recognize that this is a feint, it will make the extraction much more difficult."

"We'll do our best Mags."

"Any final questions?"

"Where did Scott wander off to?" Jean asked.

Magneto gave a half-hearted shrug. "If he's not with the New Mutants then it's beyond the realm of my care."

"Couldn't you just say you don't know?"

"I will never utter those words."

"How do you fit that head inside your helmet?"

* * *

Forge stared in awe. He was paying so much attention that he didn't notice Magneto walk up next to him.

"What is that idiot doing?" Magneto growled.

"Apparently Deadpool decided that Sabretooth was telling the truth about Mystique lurking around here."

"That leads to him doing this how?"

"According to his twisted sense of logic, he believes that if he simply insults Mystique loud enough at the top of his lungs, she'll lose her temper and reveal herself to him."

"That's his master plan?"

Forge shrugged. "At least Pyro was able to convince him that playing a continuous loop of the Golden Girls would be a waste of time."

"Most of Deadpool's plans are wastes of time."

_"I'm so glad Mystique isn't here anymore. The only thing that smells worse than her is a wet skunk!"_

Forge blinked. "I think he's on to his B material."

"He has A material?"

"_Forge! You know what scientists call Mystique? Blue whale!"_

"I'm going to kill him," Magneto muttered.

Forge blinked. "What?"

"Huh? I didn't say anything."

_"You know why Oedipus really stabbed out his eyes? Because he saw Mystique naked!"_

"I'm going to flail the skin from his bones," Magneto hissed under his breath as his eyes flashed yellow.

* * *

Magneto peered around at the controls for the helicopter. He scratched his head for a moment as he continued to look around. At his side, Kitty looked on with an amused glare.

"Aren't we supposed to be going?" she asked.

"In a minute. I'm trying to figure something out."

"You have no idea how to fly this thing, do you?"

"I can fly by my own power, why should I need to learn how to fly a helicopter?"

"In case you would want to take someone with you."

"I have giant metal orbs for that."

"Those are the most uncomfortable modes of transportation of all time."

"I don't have to ride in them. What do I care?"

* * *

Ulysses looked down at Kitty Pryde. "How'd you get in here?"

"I can walk through walls."

"Really?" Ulysses said as he scratched his head. "I make stuff blow up."

"Why are you so blue?"

"Well, Pyro thinks I'm just depressed, Forge thinks that it's probably because I have a malfunctioning liver, and Deadpool thinks I used markers."

"Uh huh. Well, I'm supposed to get you all out of here. Where is everyone?"

Ulysses shrugged. "Around."

"Go round them up. We have to get out of here while there's a distraction."

"What distraction?"

"Didn't you notice the giant explosion? The building trembling? The orderlies shouting and running to the entrance?"

"Can't say that I did."

Kitty frowned. "Just round everyone up. Magneto sent me to get you all."

Now it was Ulysses's turn to frown. "How could Magneto send you? He's been here all the time."

"We don't have time for this. MOVE!"

* * *

A short time later, most of the group had gathered in the therapy room.

"The pixie girl is going to get us out?" Pyro asked.

"Is everyone here?" Kitty said, pointedly ignoring the question.

"Everyone except for Sabretooth and Magneto," Forge said.

The door burst open as Magneto entered. Seeing Kitty, he sighed. "It's about time. We've been waiting."

"Well, lets get out of here," Kitty said. "It'll take some time. Who wants to go first?"

_"Dibs! I want to get out of here before the red-haired harpy of night shows her gorgon-like face again."_

Magneto glared. "You have said quite enough about her. Stop."

_"What do you care?"_

"It's rude."

"Can you two bicker after we get out of here?"

There was no reply as the outside wall collapsed in a flash of light and noise. Dust kicked up everywhere, blinding the room. As the light died down and the dust cleared, Magneto and Storm, both dressed for battle, glided into the room.

"My brothers," Magneto said. "I have returned to liberate you from this place."

Silence dominated the room as everyone stared at the floating pair. The awe lasted momentarily as Sabretooth, seemingly appearing from thin air, tackled the airborne Magneto to the ground.

"Gotcha Raven! You might have everyone else fooled but you couldn't trick me!" the feline man hissed.

"Get off of me," Magneto growled.

"I'm not letting you go!"

"I'm not Raven you nincompoop. Now get off!"

"Nice try!"

"I said off!" With a loud hum the metallic remains of a chair shot into the air and knocked Sabretooth to the ground. The furred mutant looked up in astonishment.

"Boss? Is that really you? Then where's Raven?"

"I'm right here you idiot!" Mystique said as she morphed back into her own body. Twisting around in the blink of an eye, she slugged Deadpool in the face. The assassin slumped to the floor. "That was for all your insults!"

_"I knew what that was for."_

"If you all don't mind, we should be escaping now! Most of the orderlies and guards are distracted by the X-Men's assault but there are still some in the back. We are going to need to fight our way out so I brought some supplies," Magneto said as a metal crate was placed on the floor. The top was thrown off as the group rummaged through its contents.

"Alcohol! Oh, sweet sweet nectar of the gods!" Sabretooth shouted as he cracked open a bottle of whiskey and chugged.

Pyro was even more delighted by what he found. "Lighters! I missed you ladies so much!"

Magneto watched this glee with a slight smirk. The tranquility was interrupted by loud bang and a shockwave knocking him off his feet. Turning over, he looked outside to see the smoking remains of the X-M Velocity.

"What the hell just happened?" Storm screeched.

Magneto looked over to see Deadpool, holding a grenade launcher. _"Pretty."_

"You idiot! Do you have any idea what you did?"

_"I blew up a helicopter. I'm an expert in blowing things up. I know exactly what I did. Besides, you gave me a grenade launcher – what am I supposed to do with it?"_

"Now we have to go out through the front – where all the carnage and chaos is!" Kitty shouted.

"Sounds fun," Sabretooth said.

"Alright, then we'll have to go through the front. Brace yourselves, this will be difficult. Heavy hitters up front – cause as much damage as possible."

Magneto took the air as the group lined up with Sabretooth and Pyro in the front, Storm and Shadowcat in the back, and Deadpool standing adjacent to the Master of Magnetism.

"Prepare yourselves. For our freedom!" Magneto cried out.

_"For pony!"_

Magneto paused. "What? You can't use that as your battle cry."

_"Why not? You have one."_

"Mine is for the nobility of our cause, for the goal of throwing off the oppression which has tried to destroy us for so long."

_"Mine is for ponies."_

"That's not…"

_"For Pony!" _Deadpool cried as he ran out the door. **3**

**

* * *

  
**

It was complete and total anarchy. Tables and chairs were hurled at bodies. Punches were thrown, faces were bruised beyond recognition. Fires burned while lightning crackled through the air. There were shouts of battle, screams of rage, and cries of pain.

It was beautiful. Until someone had to go and ruin it.

Magneto looked around quickly, trying to decipher what had just happened. The sounds of the fighting had suddenly ceased. The orderlies had frozen in place, leaving only the mutants to wonder what just happened.

"Did we win?" Pyro asked as he lightly tapped one of the statuesque orderlies.

"If they're not fighting anymore, we win," Sabretooth said as he pushed one man over harshly.

A door on the side of the room was thrown open, which was difficult considering that it had been knocked off its hinges only moments earlier. Chilton and Ratchet stalked into the room aghast.

"What is going on here? What did you do to my people Lehnsherr?"

"I had nothing to do with this," Magneto replied.

"No – I did," Charles Xavier said as he wheeled into the room through gapping hole in the front wall. Behind him was Cyclops, who was presumably sending a glare at the Master of Magnetism.

_"Wait a second. You can only control people's minds. How are you able to simultaneously take control of everyone's mind and freeze their bodies in place? Especially since you knock yourself out when you erase five minutes of memory from a smaller amount of people than are here?"_

Xavier shot a dark look over at Deadpool. The masked mercenary placed his hand up on his head, as if he was trying to feel something.

_"Hmm. I think baldy just gave me an aneurysm." _Deadpool collapsed to the floor immediately.

"Oh my god!" Ulysses shouted. "He killed Deadpool!"

"You bastard!" Pyro added. **4**

"Bastard? The man is a hero for that," Mystique commented snidely.

Ignoring the comments, Xavier wheeled up to Chilton. "Doctor, I am truly sorry for what happened here. Erik managed to break out of your clinic last night. When I refused to help him conduct this very raid, he trapped me in an undisclosed location and then usurped my place with my students. Fortunately, Scott would not follow along and he eventually found me."

"Lehnsherr did all of that – without using any violence?"

"Yes. Now Erik, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Thanks? It was fun?" Magneto offered.

Xavier sighed and looked at the X-Men. "You all should have known better. Scott was the only person who behaved properly."

"To be fair Chuck, you did tell us that Magneto should be in charge if anything happened to you."

"I assumed that you would have been cognizant of the fact that those orders would only apply while Erik was in a sound frame of mind, which he is obviously is not! As for you Erik, you will be going back into rehab until you are fit to be a productive member of society."

"Actually, that won't be necessary," Chilton interjected.

Xavier did a double take. "What?"

"There is no longer any reason for Mr. Lehnsherr to remain in rehab. He's perfectly healthy."

"What are you talking about?" Xavier snapped.

"Yes – what on earth _are_ you talking about?" Magneto echoed.

"Mr. Lehnsherr's problem was that he resorted to using violence. He managed to live here for a significant period of time and not harm anyone. He managed to break out of here without harming anyone. He managed to infiltrate your home and take over your team without harming anyone. He's perfectly fit to live among the outside world."

"What about us?" Pyro asked.

"You all are lost causes. Nothing can fix you people."

"Erik is not fine! A sane man does not do this. A sane man would not kidnap his friend. He would not hijack a mutant strike force to liberate cronies. He would not wear that stupid looking helmet!"

"Being sane, Professor, has very little to do with one's actions. Mr. Lehnsherr uses logic perfectly, he just makes decisions that we disapprove of. However, there is very little to be done on that front."

"Get over it Charles. I'm perfectly fine."

"No you aren't! Doesn't anyone see that? Or am I, as always, the only person who is capable of knowing anything? Must I teach everyone in the world how to recognize insanity?"

"Stop being so melodramatic, Charles. You just can't stand it whenever someone disagrees with you. You always have to be right and everything always has to be done your way. You're an über-control freak with perfectionist issues."

"No one listen to him! He's stark raving mad! I'm not a control freak. I'm not a perfectionist!"

Magneto looked at his oldest friend with apprehension. "It's all right Charles. I happen to know a wonderful place that will help you with this. Won't you Dr. Chilton?"

"Fine – but only if you pay to rebuild this place plus triple what I got paid for you."

"Done. See Charles, everything is going to be better."

Xavier nodded. "Everything is going to be better."

With that Chilton walked out of the room, pushing Xavier in front of him. The assembled mutants stared at the departing figure of Xavier until Deadpool leapt to his feet.

_"That's it! Now I have a 38__th__ way to kill a person before they hit the floor. What a wonderful day!"_

Magneto looked around at the group. "Come on. It's time to go home."

* * *

Epilogue

**Magneto** remained in command of the X-Men for 17 months, 3 weeks, 2 days, 13 hours and 23 minutes. Tiring of his position, he blackmailed the world into giving him the island of Genosha to retire to. Upon discovering where Genosha was, he promptly traded it for the Federated States of Micronesia.

**Charles Xavier** remained in rehab for about two months. He spent the next two years traveling around the world on goodwill missions. After his mansion was destroyed for the 13th time, he retired and moved to the Federated States of Micronesia. He got bored quickly and persuaded Magneto to exchange it for Belize.

**Mystique** decided that her children weren't worth the sacrifice that she had tried to make. Abandoning her reformation, she quickly returned to the life of a hired assassin. She maintains a penthouse in Beverly Hills and has several maids to ensure that she never has to clean again.

**Pyro** returned to the Brotherhood and promptly burnt down the decrepit house as revenge for sticking him in rehab. He spent a few years a as a member of Freedom Force. He currently lives in New York where he works on his best selling set of novels – _Pyro and Deadpool_.

**Sabretooth**, after leaving the rehab, broke into the first beer factory he could find. He ended up drowning in a vat of beer.

**Deadpool**, having learned how to figure out 38 ways of killing a person before they hit the floor, spent many years trying to figure out a 39th way. He has yet to be successful.

**Forge** moved back in with his parents. People still thought that he was crazy for claiming he is so old. One year on his birthday, he received a pet rabbit and a bar of soap. No one has seen him since.

**Dr. Chilton** moved to Baltimore to treat a notorious mass murdering cannibal.

**Nurse Ratchet** remains at the rehab institution, which is now run by **Dr. Boles**.

It turned out that **Ulysses** actually was Apocalypse. Who knew?

THE END

As always, thanks to everyone who read this story. If it was half as much fun to read as it was to write, well, then I had twice as much fun writing it as you did reading it.

**1 – **Nightcrawler lead the Excalibur team in the comics for awhile.

**2 - **Seriously, why else would Logan have left the mansion?

**3 – **Taken from the online comic "Looking for Group" which can be found at lfgcomic. com. Deadpool is a dead-ringer for Richard

**4 **- Obviously, what used to be said on "Southpark" whenever Kenny would die


End file.
